“our sushi is very fresh”
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Tweet thief [secretly the Backstreet Boys] 🎶am I original?
– Naaah –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I the only one
– LOL NO –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I SEXUAL
*Awkward silence*
Hallelujah started playing at church today
Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song
Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.
If I’m eating at a restaurant and see a movie star, I always take a pen and paper over and ask “Will you pay for my meal?”
Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.
I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”
RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?
ME (has a degree in computer science): No
*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”
*plays The Smiths
Me: Uncontrollable weeping
[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?
Buying a new phone isn’t even satisfying anymore. It’s literally just your old phone with a haircut.
since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys
I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!
@KrangTNelson @funTweeters I am not a millennial, I am straight out the the 70’s and I make up new words to suite myself. Like you don’t get a spoonful of mashed potatoes you get a thwack of mashed potatoes because that is the sound it makes when they hit your plate thwack.
The amount of people I know who have disliked me because someone told them to is staggering. Like dude, give me a chance… I’ll give you a reason. I promise.
just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
*proposes to girlfriend*
*accidentally drops ring in the street*
“I’ll still marry you”
Sorry, I’m married to the streets now
I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.
Her: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
Me: *puts naked Barbie away.
‘It’s not VooDoo if that’s what you think!
Her:Freak!
Me:Did you feel–anything?
[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
You didn’t question the free nachos or the ride in the van. But now that I’ve got a knife to your throat you’re all “why, why?”
Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:
The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.
Q: “And onto the final gadget for your mission.”
James Bond: “What is it? Some sort of balloon weapon?”
Q: “It’s a condom, James. A condom.”
the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.
If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.
“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.
I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.
I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?
I turned to her and said “We’re all just seeking validation, aren’t we?” She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back.