My son got his license and I’m terrified, but totally ok if he wants to drive to McDonald’s and get me a McFlurry.
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Son: I’m addicted to morphing
Dad: Oh God no, are you smoking it, injecting it?
Son: No Dad,not Morphine
Dad: what?
Son: *turns into bat
Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.
(first day at law school)
Me: When do we learn about the law of gravity?
Prof: We don’t.
Me: This is BULLSHIT.
*flips table*
*table floats up to ceiling*
My ex left me for an attorney. It makes me smile every day to know he hasn’t won an arguement for 15 years.
Whenever I see the words “horse-drawn carriage” I wonder if the horse’s artistic output was limited to means of transportation, or he also did cartoons.
So my hinge date last night accidentally texted me this
I love Harry Porter. All of them. Glasses kid. The ginger one. Smart girl. Dolby. The scene when Dumbledort kills Voldermore. Quizzo matches
duck: quack?
me:
duck: quack?
me: no
duck: …quistal meth?
A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.
і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches
5-year-old: Why is there a baseball bat under your bed?
Me: In case there’s a burglar.
5:
Me:
5: Why do burglars like to play baseball?
IS YOUR WEDDING GOING TO BE OPEN CASKET?
Trebek: This Disney movie starred Elsa & Anna.
Me: Frozen.
Trebek: In the form of a question please.
Me: Do you wanna build a snowman, Alex?
It’s NOT day drinking if you didn’t sleep the night before, mother.
I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time
My husband and I both have colds but only his is really really bad.
You want me to make up a word for the period of my life before I became a mailman?
That’s preposterous
NATURE DOCUMENTARY NARRATOR: After the python has consumed a huge meal, it’s reduced mobility can leave it open to predation.
ME: It’s fullnerable.
WIFE: Get out.
No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.
I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.
FRIEND: do u want to hang out this weekend
ME: generic excuse
FRIEND: did u just say “generic excuse”
A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook
Don’t take your kids to Disneyland when they’re under 4 years old cause they’ll never remember it. Wait till they’re a little older and then lie to them about how you took them.
No matter how bad your day is going, take comfort in the fact that it was my dog, not yours, that took a dump in Home Depot.
Son: “Mommy, look, this is how you draw infinity!”
Me: “Yes, sweetie, that’s so smart!”
Son: “It looks like a hiney.”
90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.
[wife talking to me on phone 45 mins after I go to play poker at friends house]
“stop crying for a second…what do you mean you lost me?”
If you wait for the perfect time. You will become a perfectionist at waiting.
What did watching Cinderella teach us?
7yo:
It taught us that if she had been wearing sensible shoes, she would still be scrubbing floors.
They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people