My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave
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Her: You ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks?
Him: Thought you said they were baked.
Her: I said YOU were baked.
The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.
I’m sticking to my guns.
I really should have washed my hands after I ate.
I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist
If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.
Hear me out…
A leaf blower, but for people.
My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.
People who dip their pizza in ranch dressing have killed and will kill again.
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
I went to a baby group yesterday where the babies had to ‘pick’ toy vegetables and the v enthusiastic group leader said ‘everyone grab an aubergine’ and I said ‘that’s how we got into this mess in the first place, amiright?’ and literally nobody laughed
Had to go out in public so I put on lipstick before I remembered that’s not a thing anymore.
Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.
Me (flirting) so what day do you have therapy? 😏
Well my ex canceled the Spotify premium I was using which unfortunately means I am revoking her Dads access to my Disney +. Good guy. Hate to see him caught in the crossfire
ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.
[first date]
HER: Scars are beautiful. Each one tells a story of personal growth and triumph over adversity.
ME: I got this one fighting a porpoise.
Me: Just a glass of water
Scientist waiter: You mean a glass of… yourself? You see, the body is made up of ok ok sit down I’ll bring it
[Calling guy I met in bar in ’91]
Me: Remember you said “Call me any time?” Well, I could really use a sitter tonight.
Nurse: You can come inside now.
*Stands up*
*Dusts off jacket*
*Straightens bow tie*
*Fastens cufflinks*
*Ahem*
“That’s what she said”
“Welcome, Karen, to Pants On Fire!” the game show host says.
“Excited to be here!” I tell him.
The host eyes me. “Are you?”
My forced smile starts to break. Sweat beads drip down my face, and I swallow hard.
“Light up her pants, guys,” the host orders.
I don’t think humans are capable of sounding more disgusting than when they are being rude to their mothers or singing along to Mariah Carey
Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?
Was everyone before this just…not washing their hands?
Mafia Boss: You wearin’ a wire?
Me: “Wire” you asking me that? lol get it[the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]
Gonna start messing with people in public bathrooms and say “oh I recognize those shoes!”
I was led to believe my middle ages would involve more jousts.
A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.
My phone: Would you like to save this password?
Me: I NEED TO KNOW IF IT WORKED FIRST AND YOU’RE IN MY WAY!!!
The Blue Tooth in your ear tells me you are expecting an important call.
At Walmart.
At 8:00 AM.
On Sunday.
In the snack food aisle.
Ma’am.
My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.