Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
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Wife: I read my mom that funny tweet you wrote.
Me: Don’t you mean THOSE funny TWEETS?
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: No. No, I don’t.
I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
Every once in a while I’ll be driving while not eating and think, “Wow, this is way easier.”
“I got you, babe.”
– kidnappers
Wife – “I’m leaving you…”
Me – “noooooo…”
Wife – “…a hotdog in my will”
Me – “…oooyeeahhhhhh”
Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.
[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*
[Life after lockdown]
My Hairstylist: WTF
[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*
[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*
gen z: what’s the next generation gonna be called?
scientist: [nervously] ahaha you’re not the last one
gen z: what
scientist: what
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*stands on one foot*
Cop: ok first of all, ow
Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.
25 more pounds to lose and I’ll be ready to be seen at my gym.
ENGLAND: people are CROSSING OUR BORDERS for ECONOMIC ADVANCEMENT!!!
THE ENTIRE GODDAMNED WORLD FROM LIKE 1583 to 1997: u don’t say
me: I’d like some ham please
server: ok how much
me: I really really want it
1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up
Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull
Quick question, how long do you have to drive around with a cracked windshield before it magically fixes itself? It’s been two weeks and I think I’m doing something wrong.
google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law
coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys
the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses
My toddler got me up at 4:30am because “Eeyore said it’s morning” Stupid donkey ruining my life
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
Friend: Well, the more you know-
Me: The sadder you’ll feel
Friend:
Me: Is that not the phrase?
Friend: It’s annoying that you keep getting it wrong
Me: *crying* Well the more you know
God: you’re a roly poly bug.
Roly Poly: what does that mean?
God: you roll up in a ball and kind of poly around.
Roly Poly: I’m sorry what?
God: you roll up in a ball [grabs knees and curls up in a ball].
Roly Poly:
God: [rolls around on the floor] and poly around.
Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.
so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*
Opened the lint filter on my dryer after washing my dog’s bedding and another dog fell out.