If u love someone and they don’t love u back the first thing you need to do is make them a scrapbook with you both in little wedding outfits
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WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree
“I’ll have a caramel macchiato, hold the espresso & milk.”
“Miss, that’s just a cup of caramel sauce.”
“You heard me.”
My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.
I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
So UBER is not a dating app?
*sigh*
I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.
4 put one of his toys in the gap behind the fridge and when I asked why he said it was noisy & annoying and long story short all 3 of my kids are now in the gap behind the fridge
[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]
I got a new fitness tracker. Last night at 11pm, it alerted me I only needed 1785 more steps to complete the goal. My friend, no.
Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words
the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”
It is appalling how terrible little kids are at throwing things. Half the time that shit ends up going behind them. Get it together, little kids.
If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
Why drive 6 minutes for food when I can order doordash for $93
if you’ve successfully completed 7 different impossible missions, perhaps the guy in charge of labeling these missions is being a little dramatic
me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.
Him: How many people do you think he killed in that movie?
Me: What am I? John Wickipedia?
Him: Not funny.
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* oh no
WIFE (points at my google search for “spaghetti cake”): how in the world do you forget the word “lasagna”
SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox
Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.
Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?
Yesterday I found my first grader on her school computer designing a power point, and I just want to know why am I paying for camp this summer when I could just hire her for an unpaid internship?
I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.
[1st date]
So, what’s your back story?
“I have scoliosis”
No, I mean your BACK STORY, like your history
“Oh! I got scoliosis as a child”
[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*
*at 5’s “restaurant”*
5: What can I get for you?
Me: Tacos.
5: We’re not Italian.
Me: Tacos aren’t Italian.
5: We’re Mexican.
Me: Great! Can I have some tacos then?
5: We don’t have tacos.
I think this restaurant is having an identity crisis.
You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread
– the inventor of croutons