There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people that use birth control and the people that step on Legos at 3am.
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I always thought I was a terrible multitasker until I had kids and had to feed a baby, wipe a nose, and produce a snack all while merging on the freeway.
My favorite doll’s husband was made by me, of a shampoo bottle and a ping pong ball. Good guy, but he just couldn’t stop losing his head over things. Literally
“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.
My kid wanted to watch something scary, so I had her watch the cashier ring up our groceries.
No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.
Inside Out 2:
The girl enters puberty.
Her emotions get out of control.
She goes Goth.
Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep
#WhyDoPeopleThinkItsOkayTo replace letters in words with numbers….well now i don’t feel like reading the math equation you just sent me
feb 14: i love everything about u
feb 15: don’t breathe like that
Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a “fun-size” candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? 🍫😠
Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web
i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.
*200,000 years ago, nomadic hunter/gatherer clan*
5yo: can I have mac n’ cheese?
*parent invents farming, grows wheat, invents pasta*
*domesticates cows, invents cheese*
*invents metallurgy, makes a pot*
*controls fire*Parent: ok, kiddo, here you go
5yo: I’m full from leaves
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.
I stand incorrected.
I dislike frozen dinners that require me to tear & fold & make sure this side is here or there & build a sacrificial platform to appease an ancient sun god or whatever to heat my food.
*notices battery is at 4%*
*goes into airplane mode*
*turns down brightness*
*exits all apps*
*prays to jesus and compliments his sandals*
Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
Reasons I’m like Donald Duck:
1- Mainly white
2- Kinda fat
3- Rarely wears pants
4- Highly irritable
5- Hard to understand
6- Prisoner of the Disney Corporation
7- Genuinely confused if Goofy is a dog or what the hell
[dinner date]
Him: I think a woman should eat like a bird.
Me: {devours a porterhouse like a pteradactyl}
“Inflation isn’t new. Just imagine jacking up the price on items because you can and their location is convenient.”
*vending machines have entered the chat*
yesterday at the grocery store i saw 2 celebrities singing the imagine song to a shattered bottle of kombucha that fell on the floor
[skating together on a frozen pond]
Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah
I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
Her: Sir, you account has been hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Her: No. Your Bank acc.
Me: Ooooh Thank God.
I did NOT need to see this today!!!!
“Make yourself at home.” they say, then it’s “Ma’am please put your bra back on.”
Make up your mind, library story time, make up your mind!
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…