If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.
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babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad
chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”
“If you don’t let the Jews go, I will find you. I will kill you.”
Liam Neeson returns in…
TAKEN 3: SCHINDLER’S PISSED
(Summer 2015)
Hot singles in your area!
They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.
“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.
It’s only a chihuahua if it comes from the Chihuahua region of Mexico. Anything else is just a sparkling mouse.
I overheard my neighbor say, “she has SO MANY pigeons in her yard,” but I couldn’t tell if she was impressed or concerned.
[wife gets home] did you feed the baby his spinach today?
[me doing push ups] hell no I’m not letting that baby get stronger than me
Me: I spy with my little eye something beginning with i
Other Titanic lookout: hmmm
I bought silk pyjamas to go with our new silk sheets. I jumped into bed and woke up in my neighbour’s flower bed
[ring]
Me: Hi
Mom: You picked up.
Me: I know
M: Why
Me: You called
M: I wanted to leave a message
Me: Just tell me
M: Hang up
[ring]
Me: Hi
[Watching 101 Dalmatians with a cute girl]
Hold up, hold up. Pause it, please. Thanks. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,
Me: I need a new jar of thyme
Teenage son: it’s called an hourglass
[Girl takes off her clothes]
“You have had sex before right?”
[Me, in a suit of armor & holding a cauliflower]
…
“no actually”
Bigfoot is real… or rather he was real and quite delicious.
I don’t wanna brag but I have definitely pet my slippers thinking they were my cat
Welcome to parenting class. First I will need you to walk barefoot across this floor strewn with legos. Now try to make a dog clean a bedroom. Finally take that pile of money and set it on fire. Congratulations. You’re ready. Here is your baby.
Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes
When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try
I’m not saying I’m the best husband, but I did perfectly time placing my dirty dish in the sink just as my wife was finishing up washing the dishes.
On a scale of 1 – 10 where 10 is being up on technology and 1 is washing clothes by beating them on a rock, I’m about a 5.
The ex says he’s come into some money and can finally “take care” of me. Wait…he’s gonna have me killed isn’t he?
baker: making perfect baked goods is all about precise measurements
me: cool can i get a dozen muffins pls?
baker: sure thing *hands me 13 muffins*
[traffic jam]
MAN: [rolls down window] Dude, why?
ME: [in the next car holding a rabbit as it repeatedly kicks the horn] It’s his birthday
[inventing llamas]
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
Angel: …
God: nobody knows
Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”
I opened a pistachio once…
Worst 37 minutes of my life.
im 7 sauces long
When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.