The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.
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I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️
step 1. log onto instagram
step 2. find wedding day hashtags, ex. “SmithWedding2014”
step 3. use hashtag
step 4. post pictures of yaks
Hey I know I said never to text me again and I hope you die, but do you remember the name of that movie where the one sister is murdered and the other takes on her identity?
IKEA challenge: assemble anything with drawers
IKEA double challenge: add cats
IKEA triple challenge: now wine
A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.
My kid showed me a black paper and said, he has drawn a black panther but it is night time.
He has made two blue dots for eyes tbf.
[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom
KIDNAPPER: shit
I used my husband’s shoes to check the mail and was immediately compelled to ask the neighbor kids why they trust the trees since they’re so shady
for lent one year, i decided to give up coffee, so i switched to sugar-free rockstar energy drinks instead and that’s when i realized that maybe religion wasn’t the right thing for me.
When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.
*looks at you in batman voice*
Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.
You know a Brit’s really mad when they beg your pardon, then suggest something may have escaped your attention, before apologising for being close to losing their patience. Upon reaching boiling point, there’s a chance they’ll give you all due respect before issuing the killer blow of offering you their regards.
First person to build a clock had no idea how long it took.
Who wants to be my Valentine?
Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
inventor: “i’ve made the most realistic sex doll in the world, ask it something”
me: “ok, um.. shall we go upstairs?”
doll: “i like you as a friend”
me:
inventor:
me: “do you have anything less realistic”
*brings a tranquilizer gun to a pillow fight*
I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.
Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.
[First Date]
Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.
I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?
Him: Let’s go out tonight.
Me: It’s a work night and very late.
Him: It’s 5:00PM on a Friday.
Me: I’M EXHAUSTED. WHY CAN’T YOU HAVE AN AFFAIR LIKE MY FRIEND’S HUSBANDS?
“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.
Being Tall:
Pros:
Can reach high things, feel like an Amazonian warrior.Cons:
“Wow, you’re tall!”
“Yes.”
*repeat for infinity*
going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason
I was having a drink of coffee and didn’t see the pothole in the road, so that’s on me.