I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.
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I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you😭.
My son lying to his little sister so she isn’t sad about a movie ending reminds me this year has brought them so much closer together and also kids will lie about anything
Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar
Girlfriend, catching my gaze: What are you thinking?
Me [still furiously trying to work out why the frog in Frogger dies when it goes in water, and why the Flintstones celebrated Christmas]: Just how right everything feels when I’m with you.
After sitting in the labor and delivery waiting room chairs for 12 hours, I need an epidural as much as those women in labor do.
I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.
*holds flashlight under chin
Me: suddenly the mystery of…Son: haha Dad has like 3 chins
*drops flashlight
Me: SANTA CLAUS IS FAKE!!
If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.
I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.
I have pepper spray and I’m not afraid to use it.
*rifles around in purse* No, that’s not it. Hold on. Can you hold this?
*hands murderer a crumpled wad of CVS receipts*
I had it right here. Maybe in the zipper part? Goddamn, why is this sock here — okay, wait —
Murderer:
charcuterie boards are great bc where else can you consume thousands of calories worth of a mysterious cheese you keep eating bc you can’t figure out if you like it or not
u date a person for a few months & they already be wanting to meet ur mom like chillllllll it took me 9 months to meet her who tf do u think u are???
painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?
me: absolutely not
Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’
Lois : Clark, are those binoculars?
Clark Kent : Yes, I can’t find my glasses.
Lois : Put them down for a second.
Clark :
Lois :
Clark : No
Got kicked out of the grocery store. Apparently yelling “LET THE BEETS DROP!” And throwing them at the ground is not acceptable.
PRIEST: do you have the ring
ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd
ME: *takes wife’s hand* you know I’ve wanted to have children for 3 years
WIFE: And I’ve told you *removes hand and sits back* we have to keep them forever
Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.
interviewer: why do you want to work here?
me: to be able to afford food
interviewer: we’re really looking for someone motivated by the job
me: …do you think your job is better motivation than not starving to death?
Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.
Women,
If you could just go ahead, get a plane & spell it out in the sky for us, that’d be greeeat.
Sincerely,
Men
Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.
Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.
I’m probably being paranoid, but I’m pretty sure this guy knows I’m following him
Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet
Wife *rubbing her belly* we’ve got a date for our ultrasound
Me: omg
Wife: are we gonna find out what it is?
Me *googling what is ultrasound* way ahead of you