“You can have sex with my sister over my dead body”
“Umm, I appreciate the weird offer, but I’m just gonna do it in my car”
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Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?
[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though
[FBI job interview]
“Do you have any self defense training?”*flashback to hiding behind fence from teenagers* Yes I’m skilled at fencing.
Me: This milk tastes funny
Lactating clown: Thank you
[ from bed ]
*accio coffee*
damnit it didn’t work again
I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.
I put my shirt on like everyone else. How I get my pants on, however, involves a spatula and 8 monkeys with Navy SEAL-like precision.
Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me
My kid just looked at a random speaker and said, “Alexa! Oh wait, that’s not your name,” and then walked away as if nothing happened.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
Moses: Thanks for the mana in the desert.
God: No problem.
Moses: But since you can make anything-
God: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO PIZZA.
If you drink straight from the pitcher, it’s technically only one margarita.
I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.
I have taken 37 steps since March 16th. Call me for your fitness needs.
When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them
If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Rollin’ bones.
Him: I’ll roll your bones. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me:
Him: *winks*
Me: *does voodoo-y stuff*
Him: *turns into a hedgehog*
My heart 😭
“16 hours and you know what we have not lost one patient today”
THIS ENERGY! ALL DAY EVERY DAY 😭❤
Her name is Angie. She is a frontline Nurse in New York. She is 60 years old working 16 hour shifts at the hospital.
A HERO
KNOW HER NAME!
[5th Century]
A KNIGHT LIFTS HIS VISOR TO SALUTE A COMRADE
[2016]
I nod to the other guy on the train who also spilled coffee on his crotch
*in a job interview*
No no it’s not a teardrop tattoo it’s supposed to be sweat. It shows I’m a hard worker
Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party
5 yo- can I roll down the car window?
Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.
I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.
I wish my ex girlfriend was a Ninja, this way I’d never see her
I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”
[parent-teacher conference]
teacher: he’s doing so well, and he’s such a great listen-
me: coolcoolcool no doubt but when do you teach them to stop turning on every light in the house, is that this year or
[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”
ME: scalpel
NURSE: scalpel
M: sclissors
N: scissors
M: neeble
N: are u sure u should operate on ur own brain
M: *nods head diagonally* toast
I spoke to my doctor and he said, “if you drink every day you are an alcoholic.”
I’m lucky, I only drink every night.