When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.
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“What about this? What about this? And this?”–me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.
If money can’t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?
I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.
Doctor: you look awful
Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!
Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?
Reasons why i never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don’t have iPhone. 2) I don’t have a girlfriend.
I see you keep your wallet and cell phone in your bra
Cute
*reaches into bra, pulls out an entire wheel of cheese*
if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger
My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire
Kill someone with an icecream cone and eat it afterward. They can’t convict with no murder weapon. It’s the perfect crime. Plus, ice cream.
(6yo student hugging me first thing in the morning, head against my jacket)
Me: You were absent yesterday. Were you sick?
6yo: No, I had lice.
Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.
omg leave her alone
If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.
Follow me for more health advice
Credit Card Company: Yes sir, I see the bogus charges. We’ll take care of that.
Me: And…the other thing?
Credit Card Company: No sir, just because they tried to steal your identity doesn’t mean they are willing to take your kids.
McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back
If you pronounce “shoes” like “toes”, you end up saying “shows”, but if you pronounce “toes” like “shoes” you end up saying “twos”.
And other thoughts about the English language that keep me up at night
Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:
People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.
Emails now be like: I hope you are staying safe, sheltered in place, stocked with toilet paper, and healthy during these absolutely unprecedented, wild, chaotic, terrifying times. Just wanted to follow up-
Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.
I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”
Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying.
I checked.
If you are a jerk and say jerk things, understand that I have imagined punting you into space while you’re eating something you’re allergic to, wearing a color that looks terrible on you.
Kids today are so spoiled with their yummy gummy vitamins. It’s nothing like when I was a kid and we had to chew on orange-flavored chalk.
Caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
That’s bullshit.
Rick Astley: Do you have any Pixar movies I can borrow?
Me: You can have Cars, Toy Story & Ratatouille, but I’m never gonna give you UP.
“Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out.”
Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I’ll prove you wrong.
The bar at our movie theater sells movie-themed drinks.
Imagine my dismay when I found out their Aquaman-themed drink wasn’t a Jason Mimosa.
Shark week, but for squirrels.