i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt
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He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”
She: “Prove it.”
He: *Plays Call of Duty*
My daughter insisted she wanted a snowball fight in the dark so we waited till the sun set, got our torches out and ran around laughing and freezing in the garden. When I asked her if she’d had fun, she looked me in the eyes and said “no mummy, it was dark”
It should be a rule that if you’re going to put you kid on a leash, you can’t be mad if someone walks up, asks if they bite, and pets them
I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.
My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
Mafia boss: “So, did you do it? Is he dead?”
Me, suddenly realising what it means to ‘take somebody out’: “Oh, err…”
Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten
Anyway, thought of you
The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.
My birthstone is a sushi roll.
Inventor: …And so these closed captions will help a lot of people.
Investor: I can see what you’re saying.
My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.
You, watching House Hunters: this is ridiculous
Me, a house hunter: [squatting low to the ground, sniffing house dung] a bungalow is nearby
[opens fortune cookie]
“Your debit card will decline, leave once the waiter goes to the kitchen and wait for further instructions.”
Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?
Me: I did pretty well. I left with four kids, and I came back with four kids.
Wife: The same four kids?
Me: I’ll be right back.
If you live in denial of your emotions, it will take far longer to take care of them, because once we recognize what we’re feeling, we can tackle it or whatever is causing it.
📸: @blessingmanifesting
#positivemind #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward #personalgrowth
this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route
My incontinence jokes are much like the instructions on the side of my chamber pot.
Piss, Pour.
Me: Whatcha got there? Oh, I see the garbage pail kids are making a comeback for Christmas this year.
Neighbor: This is my nephew.
I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.
[boxing gym]
*points at everything*
I’d hit that.
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
(Age 22)
*chugs bottle of water*
Let’s shoot some more hoops!(Age 42)
*chugs bottle of water*
I gotta pee.
One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.
(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*
When someone invites me to their home, and I see more than 3 cars outside, I just keep on driving. Just in case it’s an intervention!🤣🤣🤣
My cat just showed it’s holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.
oh you like road-trips? name every road then
There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.
[god creating kangaroos]
Let’s make a horse rabbit.