judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing
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[before date]
friend: make everything about her
[date]
waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere*
me: *to date* this is all your fault
me: spell “Fanshaw”
British person:
This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.
How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.
Me: *buying 50lb bag of chicken food*
Cashier: Do you have chickens?
When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.
“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom
So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
ME: “I’m thankful for my skeleton because if I didn’t have my skeleton, I would look like a blobfish.”
THERAPIST: “Okay, I suppose that counts as the one thing you like about yourself, this week.”
[Boss’ office]
“You’re late AGAIN.”
Drove back for my phone.
“Why do need it at work?”
It’s all I do.
“WHAT?”
I said, IT’S NICE TO SEE YOU.
Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?
Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles
Reasons why it’s bad that Justin Bieber is retiring:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
me: I just hate delivering bad news over the phone
firefighter: *staring at burned down building* ok but you still should’ve
My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.
If Skyrim has taught me anything, it’s that you should always check people’s urns for gold. Don’t be afraid. Pull grandma off the mantle.
*eats pizza out of box in bed
*falls asleep
*wakes up next to leftover pizza
Voila! Breakfast in bed!
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
Me: for really important stuff i guess
CNN: an Iowa woman just ate 37 McRibs
Me: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
Me: she did what
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.
That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: [struggling on floor] Yoga
WIFE: At the bottom of the stairs?
ME:
WIFE: You fell down the stairs
ME: Yes
Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!
Excuse me sir, your feet look very much like mice and I would like to murder them please.
~ my cats
I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.
[Walking around the office]
*Sees nosepicker*
*Hears burper*
*Smells gas*Boss: What are you doing?
Calculating the…”Gross Margin.”
One time I hooked up with this guy and we were laying there and it was raining and I knew he wanted me to leave because he said “I got something for you” and proceeded to pull out a disposable rain poncho
Were PacMan and Ms.PacMan married or brother and sister? Have some fanfic that’s either really awesome or really disturbing riding on this.
Tom work hard.
Tom tired.
Tom need break.
Tom book Caribbean vacation.
Tom Cruise.