Why do people ask “what the hell were you thinking”? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it
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I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.
4 pm:
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9:59 pm:12 year old: I need some glitter, crayons and posterboard for school tomorrow
Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.
I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.
Asked the worker at the liquor store to help me pick out a bottle of bubbly and she handed me a “nice” $26 bottle, but then I said it was for when my in-laws came over and she took it out of my hands and replaced it with a $12 bottle.
Ooh I do like a good funnel
Her: [asking about movie I’m watching] Is he her husband?
Me: I’m not sure.
Her: Is that other guy her brother?
Me: Maybe?
Her: Haven’t you been watching this?
Me: Yes, but I didn’t know there would be a test.
Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.
[hospital]
“Did my dad make it, doctor?”Billy, your dad’s in a better place now.
[crying] “HE’S DEAD?”
Haha no, he went to Disney World.
If Ross Geller and George Costanza were in the same room with Sheldon Cooper, Michael Scott, and Kimmy Gibbler, they still wouldn’t be as annoying as you.
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
The first 3 days of a diet is always harder than the 4th day because by the end of 3rd day, you’re dead.
Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
Cop: GET DOWN ON THE GROUND
Me: I didn’t do…
Cop:*cuffing me* Dispatch, we have a creepy clown in custody
Me: These are my regular clothes
*fooling around with husband*
Husband: Is that a piece of cheese in your bra?
Me: If you wanted any, you should have brought your own snacks!
i like dropping off a tweet to FB & watch as everyone cautiously forms a circle around it, looking confused while prodding it with a stick.
My 3-year-old put a blanket over her head and ran around like it was an invisibility cloak, but not for long.
It made walls invisible, too.
I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me: “I was born this way. You should have seen the tiny wheelchair in the ultrasound.”
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
Once I was in an elevator w/ 5 strangers & a lady ran up at the last second. Instead of helping her, we all watched the doors close. I said, “Good. I never liked her” to what I thought would be big laughs. Nope. As I rode 10 floors in thick silence, they shut me out even harder
For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say “Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?”
Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.
i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years
[at a job fair]
Me: Where’s the ferris wheel?
Tweet thieves know how to take a joke.
ME: what’s the name of that soft french cheese we liked?
HER: camembert
ME: me either