Scream 1996: killer uses landline; makes it until the end
Scream 2022: killer uses Facebook, twitter, insta; gets caught immediately
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ME: Tear this breadstick open, I think you’re gonna like what’s inside.
GIRLFRIEND: YOU DIDN’T! {breaks it open} It’s just filled with cheese.
ME: Happy 10th anniversary babe.
that scene in texas chainsaw 3D where alex daddarios character who is supposed to be 40 runs away from leatherface but instead of hopping a fence or going a different direction she hops on a ferris wheel and is shocked to find out that it goes back down
Me: *drops mic*
Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!
You’re doing a great job looking at your phone
First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.
#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!
*Don’t Walk sign flashes*
Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”
My favorite part of having a German shepherd has to be when folks meet her, and she sniffs their pockets, I can say stuff like: ‘I hope you don’t have any drugs on you…’ and watch the fear in their eyes while they try to remember the last time they had drugs in their pockets.
I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.
My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.
I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
don’t talk to me until I’ve had 3 iced coffees & argued with a lady about terriers & threw an iced coffee in her face
girl on bumble: hey 🙂 ur cute but I noticed you didn’t include your height
me: yeah no need to add too much info!
girl: ok but how tall are you?
me: *struggling to type as I climb into my high chair* i don’t see why this is important
Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.
How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.
I can’t believe it’s so cold I have to wear gloves inside. I mean I’m not even robbing anything or trying not to leave fingerprints
“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me
wife: i’m going into labor
husband: when
wife: now
husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these
Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?
i am disgusted by the physical act of handshaking. it is morally unacceptable that u cant just extend your arm and fist the wind
Priest: Don’t chew gum in church.
Me: If I don’t, I’ll have bad breath when I talk to God.
Priest:
Me: It’s your fault if I go to hell.
Me: the cords are tangled.
Brain: pull at them.
Me: shouldn’t I just untangle them?
Brain: pull at them violently.
*buys premium quality kitten food. Serves it in high quality vet recommended cat bowl.*
Cat: Is that dirt on the floor? Nom nom nom!
“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”
[tv interview]
I’m with Amy. Her house was damaged by the floods, how are you?
[cut to Amy crying]
MORE LIQUID IS THE LAST THING WE NEED AMY
Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices
*passes thru suburbs* roll up ur window, son. this is a bad neighborhood. this is where ppl who comment on newspaper articles live
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m extremely flexible
professor x: [looks at watch] oh shit i have another meeting, can we reschedule?
me: no problem
My wife bought chocolate covered cashews and told me don’t eat all of them. That’s like my wife buying chocolate covered cashews and telling me don’t eat all of them.