An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.
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“I have the memory ofGOD DAMMIT LINE PLEASE!”
“An elephant, Dumbo. You have the memory of an elephant.”
“
a fun thing to do when someone enters the elevator is to calmly say to them “I was murdered in this very elevator exactly one year ago”
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.
Quick shout-out to @funTweeters. The “aggregators” and “parodies” could learn a thing or two from this account. It’s aggregation done right.
Nice try Friday the 13th. But this is 2020.
I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos
Got fired from the petting zoo for giving the rabbits birth control.
Things my dating coach and I are working on:
– holding doors open for the ladies
– no karate at the table
– my cursive
– incense sticks are not currency
– drinking milk with only one hand
– not doing jazz hands every time I toot
Every man was once a man trapped in a woman’s body.
I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.
“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
If her last two boyfriends died in mysterious car explosions, you may not want to heart-eyes emoji her friend’s selfie.
Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?
Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me….then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07
If you enjoy kazoo music at 7am, I would recommend having children.
You had me at “define legal”.
You all think your dad’s cargo shorts are lame until you need to smuggle some Reese’s Pieces into the movie theater.
Girls, if you’re gonna shave your eyebrows off just to draw them on again, at least make them interesting. How about drawing two umbrellas?
Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.
Wife: Is he called Batman because he flies at night?
Me: Kinda. But mainly a traumatic childhood bat thing
Wife: So Spiderman had a traumatic spider thing?
Me: No. Bitten by a radioactive spider
Wife: So is Antman childhood trauma or radioactive bite?
Me: No
17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels’ sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*
Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*
It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.
Friend: What are you doing this weekend?
Me: Amusement Pork.
Friend: You mean Amusement Park?
Me: No, I don’t.
The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned
“You don’t have to try on every outfit on sale, you know”, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.
Me: *wandering around ‘Free Speech’ rally* “Hey, when do they give out the peaches?! Anyone?!”
The outskirts implies the existence of the inpants.
[shark therapy]
“My girl dumped me & I haven’t eaten in days”There’s lots of fish in the sea
“Yeah but…actually that covers everything”