*learns about complementary colors*
in my head:
red: that shirt looks so nice on you!
green: thanks! your shoes are perfect!
blue: screw you guys
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I hate when I’m playing air guitar and I break an air string.
When my first baby was born, we didn’t have smart phones to look at while cradling a baby so she stays sleeps, so I had to balance a hard backed library book without dropping it on her head which is no easy feat I tell ya.
FRIEND: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
INTERNET: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
DOCTORS: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
ME: [trapped & unable to escape from a weighted blanket] Well, I do feel anxious
Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…
“I’m great in bed” ~ breakfast
Me: Where do you think you’re going? I did NOT give you permission to go out!
My back: I’m grown! You can’t tell me what to do! I can go out when and where I want to!
Woman in bar *winks at me* wanna go back to your place?
Me: hell yeah![Later]
Me *alone at home* hang on
I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.
~The 2000’s
First date idea.
Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.
Maybe Gotye was an actual goat that sold it’s soul for the chance to be a human with a hit song and now he is back to just being a goat
Bully: This town isn’t big enough for the 2 of us!
Me: Oh yeah?
Bully: Yeah!
Me: Come at me bro *opens town expansion plan* and look at this
THERAPIST: [over the phone] How have you been passing the time?
ME: [mixing 4 types of cereal together to create a stronger, more delicious super cereal] I’m learning to cook
ME: We rescued her from the pound, but I often ask myself “who saved who?”
DOG: We’ve been over this…it’s “Who saved ‘whom’.”
friend: i would kill for a burrito right now
me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more
Heading to an estate sale to collect some cool stuff for my estate sale when I die.
Hubby got all smug when our son asked him for girl advice so I confirmed that if he wants to bag a girl like me then daddy’s the man for the job and shut that shit down
The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day
Not sure what a Shakira coochie board is but white people really like it
Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around
Me: I promise you I do not
Best Attribute: parallel parking
Worst Attribute: can’t stop talking about how great I am at parallel parking
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.
“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
The Wicked Witch swings a light saber at Obi-Wan just as he throws a water balloon at her. All anyone finds later are piles of clothes.
I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.
Me- WHOA, let me Google that for ya
CW- Google what?
* (types)why is my CW an annoying dipshit
* makes eye contact
*slow presses enter
And I’m not saying Big Foot is real or not real or bashing anyone’s beliefs. All I can say about that is if Big Foot suddenly shows up at my house, I’m not wasting time with photos. I’d just ask if he knows anything about plumbing or electrical.
My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.
Him:You married?
Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?
H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-
M:SO I’M UGLY?
H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry