Colleague: Quick, the boss is on her way!
Me: That’s weird I swear that I didn’t hear her broomstick!
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I accidentally spilled water on the rice so I immediately put it in a jar of smartphones.
Repair guy: your AC unit is 26 years old which makes it hard to stay cool
Me: well I’m 42 and I’m still cool
Repair guy:
Me: *winks*
MARINE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called—
ME: An octo-lie.
PROFESSOR: …Metachrosis.
ME:
PROFESSOR:
ME: Mocktopus.
“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”
famous last (known whereabouts) words
Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
Can someone Venmo me $74,000?
I’ll take you camping.
Lisa: morning David
Me: who said that?
Lisa [sighs]: sorry I didn’t text you back last night
Me: is that a ghost? Because Lisa is dead to me
It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.
Cop: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: *just ran a stop sign* Yes
Police radio: All units be advised: Dangerous suspect at large with the ability to read minds
Cop: *unsheathing his baton* Well well well
Talking to my mother-in-law exclusively in Spanish hasn’t really improved my Spanish, but I have gotten very good at charades.
interviewer: how did u hear about us
me: *sweating* w-with my ears
back to work
Flock of bats
I couldn’t own a dog. The look of disappointment in its eyes when I throw a ball as far as I can and it lands right in front of me.
Receptionist: the doctor can see you now
invisible man who’s also blind: who said that
receptionist: who said that
*Standing in my shower*
I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.
A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away
Me: I really like her. What should I do?
Friend: Give her the time of day.
[Later]
Her: Hey.
Me: It’s 2 PM.
Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.
MAN: [after being mauled by a bear] oh it’s just a scratch
MAN: [with a cold] omg i can’t breathe i think i’m dying
My 3YO thinks woman get pregnant by eating too much food that somehow creates a baby in their belly and I’m just thinking about how scary that would be.
“Do you want seconds?”
“HELL NAH! I’ve got three kids at home.”
Me: So my husband —
First grader: You have a husband?
Me: I do, the whole time you’ve known me.
First grader: Oh. I always thought you were feral.
Me: Er, do you mean ‘single’?
First grader: Whatever the word is that you use for stray cats.🙀
chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”
Daughter: Daddy, did you know that our blood is blue in the veins but it only turns red when it hits oxygen?
Me: *turns to wife* This is what happens when you teach her stuff.
[at dinner party]
Me: Excuse me, a bit of an announcement.. Jenny and I are expecting a kid. She is 4 months pregnant.
Vegan: I’m vegan
Nothing takes longer than the Amazon truck, that is 4 stops away
“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.
I looked into it and it would only cost $20 or $30 to rent a stall at a farmers market and put out a bunch of empty crates and if someone makes eye contact you smile sheepishly and say “Forgot to farm”
My wife and I decided to have a no phones dinner date and now we can’t look at the menu.
the best part about being a parent is explaining normal human behaviours to the small feral people, my favourite of which has been “we don’t pee our pants on purpose when we are mad”