Waiter: here’s your milksha-
James Bond: grrrrrrr
Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred
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The three genders.
*resolves to start taking better care of myself
*puts in a fresh pair of disposable contact lenses
Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”
I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone
On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.
“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.
My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.
If stores want to accurately display clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be laying on a couch after 5PM.
doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”
Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.
After 35, your body ages in dog years
[commercial for soup]
NARRATOR: ever wanna drink a sandwich?
Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “
Wife: How long has 5 been in the tub?
Me: I’m letting her soak before I wash her
When I win the lottery I’m getting a pool boy, maybe I’ll even get a pool.
Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want.
Me: WELL WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?
Him: Fishing
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726
People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.
To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.
ME: *goes on mute after giving update on a conference call*
MY 4 Y/O: [standing behind me baffled] daddy, what does any of that even mean?
ME: i don’t know, girl. i don’t know
My wife always complains that I pack too many rocks in my luggage but I’ll be a goddamn hero if the worst should happen and someone needs to spell out SOS.
Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.
Puffer fish: Dammit.
I decided to jog in place at a stoplight and got some really strange looks.
I should’ve just stayed in the car.
The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet
Me: I was having sex last night at the time of the robbery
Cop: Why you are telling me, you’re not even a witness
Me: Oh dude I’m telling everyone
Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.
“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.
I replaced the glass in my bathroom windows so the tree outside can see exactly what I do with toilet paper.
You know what paper is? I yell