People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.
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Every parent the first time their teen drives on the freeway.
You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean
The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.
No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.
Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.
I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.
thug: do you have a gram
drug dealer: yeah
grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit
lot of the younger folks won’t know this but if you yanked hard enough on a land line telephone you could pull the phone out of the person’s hand that you were talking to
Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*
Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!
Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?
Wife:
Me: Omelette you eat now
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.
[first day as a waiter]
me: do you have any questions
customer: *pointing at menu* how is this prepared
me: we laminate sheets of paper listing the food choices
Cop: *Hands me ticket
“I’ll see you in court.”Me: *Seductively winks
“Sure is a lot of trouble just to see me again.”Cop: …
Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”
[After Big Jewel Heist]
“We did it! We got away! Everything went to plan”
ME(holding my grappling hook I didn’t get to use): Yea it was ok
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
[walking dog in park]
girl: “awww, he’s cute.. whats his name?”
dog: “keith”
[me and the dog high five]
Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”
*boyfriend calls girlfriend*
Bf: “Hey Babe, I love you!”
Gf: “we’re breaking up”
Bf: “no we’re not, I can hear you just fine.”
me: you ever get so sad you want to build a doomsday device and just destroy the planet so you won’t be sad anymore and neither will anyone else?
court-appointed therapist: again, no and that’s exactly why you’re here
you know how there are wedding coordinators? why can’t there be moving coordinators? like, i want you to pack, move, turn off utilities, turn on new utilities, change my mailing address, clean the house and feed me.
Dad Dinosaur: [sleeping]
Kid Dinosaur: Daddy, Look at all the pretty stars!
Dad Dinosaur: *grunts* Very nice, son.
Kid Dinosaur: I think I see a shooting star!
Dad Dinosaur: Mmm hmm
Kid Dinosaur: It looks like it’s coming right towards us!
Dad Dinosaur: Say what now?
What in the hipster hell is going on here
*comes outside months after coronavirus is done*
FRIEND: You didn’t have to quarantine that long.
ME: There’s been quarantines?
[McDonalds board meeting]
CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?
Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.
I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.
Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!
The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.