the composer
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that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
My son started school today. I’m excited to meet all the new illnesses he’ll be bringing home this fall.
People keep inviting me to stuff. I miss the pandemic.
It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found
*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”
My cousin stuffed her turkey and put it in her oven, which is not turned on, with the intention to store it there overnight rather than the fridge. “There’s no room.”
This is why you can’t eat just anybody’s food.
This time tomorrow that whole household will be at the ER.
Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?
*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!
Thank you, they came with the frame.
I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school
Priest 1: Why is Matt Damon chained to that treadmill?
Priest 2: You said we needed to exercise the Dam-
Priest 1: DEMONS!! I said demons!
I find that if I wear my snorkel gear when I go check the mail, the neighbors are far less chatty.
American Horror Story: Public Restroom
5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?
Me: To look pretty.
5: But she’s already pretty.
Me: Aww.
5: Dad, you should wear makeup.
hitman: who am I killing?
dog: ever hear of a guy named pavlov?
hitman: rings a bell
dog: that’s right
Microsoft Word is the most sensitive thing ever. You move something half an inch and all the pictures move, 3 new pages inserted, fire alarm goes, thunder and lightning, volcano erupts, stock market collapses
I’m barely awake and already my toddler is crying because I won’t put him in the trash can
If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.
I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂
“I’ll just use bug spray”
Mosquitos in the Midwest
My wife got mad at me for buying the family size pack of oreos for just the two of us and I was like are we or are we not a family
4: remember when mommy didn’t have her strap on?
Husband: she didn’t have her WHAT?!
4: her strap on!
Husband: I didn’t even know mommy had a-
Me, from another room: SHE MEANS WHEN I WORE THE STRAPLESS DRESS AT OUR WEDDING
Good morning to everyone except people that eat while leaving you a voicemail.
Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?
It doesn’t require opening the fridge door three times if you’re really hungry, you’ll find what you want the first time.
[cat adoption agency]
Counselor: …*slowly pushes my application off the counter*
Me: What the hell?
Counselor: You’re not ready
Her: “What an ugly baby”
Him: “My baby is NOT ugly!”
Her: “So, who’s baby is this?”
Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.
{Dictating journal because I’m too weak}
ME: I have now been sick for 7 years-
WIFE: 4 Days.
ME: With what we assume to be a bio-engineered super pneumonia-
WIFE: It’s a cold.
ME: No one has ever felt this bad-
WIFE: I literally have the same thing.
[firemen meeting]
if we had a pole instead of stairs, we could get to the trucks much quicker
*from back*
“why dont we just sit downstairs?”
[American TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll have 184 episodes over 8 years and possibly 3 spin-offs.[British TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll run for 63 years. There will be one episode a year. Some years there won’t be any. Alternatively we can do 8 episodes right now then never mention it again.