“A mean dog is terrorizing people a few towns over. I am going to drive over there & yell at him from my car.” – Barack Obama
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Chores are important for teaching kids the value of working just hard enough to mollify people with actual power
Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.
ME TO MY CAT: Now show them the word I taught you that means you have an ouchie.
MY CAT: me-ow
FRIENDS: ……you’re an idiot.
started wrapping my pills in cheese
parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”
Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting
[sees kid crying at the mall]
R u lost?
[kid nods, wiping tears]
Well [blows cigarette smoke in kids face] looks like u live at the mall now
If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you
Based on her reaction I don’t think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.
Congratulations, Mrs. Smith. You have a healthy baby clown. Oh look, twins! Triplets! Somebody get a camera. Four, five, six…
“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.*screams as police dog takes me down.
*possum hospital
Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute
The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.
Are we sure that we’re supposed to look for a human to settle down with? Cause I’m discovering I have much more in common with this blanket.
are there any atheist mantises?
told my therapist i was hesitant to start antidepressants bc of the sexual side effects and she said “do you even have enough sex for that to matter” and long story short im currently headed to walgreens to refill my prescription
Flight attendant: Is anyone on board a doctor?
Me: No, I’m on board a plane haha
Man having a heart attack: ok I’m ready to die now
when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there
Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.
FORENSIC SCIENTIST: The killer is a Chimpanzee.
COP: How can you be sure?
GWEN STEFANI: *looking up from microscope* This shit is bananas.
7: Mama, are you lonely when we go to bed?
Me: (Handle this like a great mom. Get the look off your face. Don’t laugh.) Of course, sweetie.
Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.
I have a scar on my lower back from the time I bounced on a trampoline and landed on one of the springs the wrong way.
I call it my trampoline stamp.
[Confession]
“I killed a man”
“Wait what”
“Lol had to get that off my chest, now why did you come in today, my son?”
I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.
[text]
H: I’m at Lowes, how wide is the door frame?
M: I measured, it’s 35 and then 3 little lines after a big long line.
Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.
I can already feel that the day is going to seize me instead of the other way around
If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.