Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.
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I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting
My girlfriend left a tampon at my apartment and idk where the left one is. Anyone know where I can get a single left tampon to keep a set here for emergencies?
“It all started when my mom met my dad…”
Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.
[first day as coast guard]
Boss: 7 people died on your watch today
Me [looking off into the distance]: yes but the coast is fine
Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing
Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”
Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.
You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.
Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!
wife: did you pee on the seat
me: maybe a little
bus driver: ok both of you off now
My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby
Natural selection at its finest
Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.
Him: It’s a police report.
Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.
Friend: Wanna go for a run?
Me: From what?
Cop: *into walkie talkie* we have a wreck on highway 15
Me: look I know I’m a wreck
Cop: you’ve been wearing those sweatpants for 4 days
me:
cop: also you hit 26 cars
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
The dead guy in my trunk?
Cop: Um, speeding, but my shift’s over, so proper burial and no more murders. Ok?
Society: Dance like no ones watching.
Also society: Records it for everyone to see.
Never thought I’d be THAT person, but here I am, 40 years old, wondering why the hell my neighbor’s kid has friends over OUTSIDE at 10 pm on a school night. And you better believe I looked up the noise regulations in our area.
TV INTERVIEWER: As if the wedding wasn’t surprising enough, you then eschew the tradition of one spouse taking the other’s name. Instead, you chose to combine your surnames. Any regrets?
BENEDICT AND ENGELBERT CUMBERBUMPERDINCK: Absolutely not
love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*5 comments from aunts saying that the joke was inappropriate*
kitchen magnet
Me when I see someone that knows me in public..
My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.
[Playing piano to impress a Russian girl]
“Do you like it?”
Her: That’s sheet music
“Yes, it is.”
Her: Now excuse me, I huv to take a sheet.
Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.
Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.
Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*
Saw a deer in our yard & I know it’s not a big deal but before moving our only yard wildlife was a family of city opossums & our dogs kept bringing the babies playing-dead in the house & I had to remove a lot of not-dead opossums cuz my husband is a chicken
So…a deer was nice