People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?
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Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.
Some guy called me a siren.
It’s like he doesn’t even care that I do beeping noises & I can purr & moan & do like all the other sounds, too.
Funny women are smart. Be careful.
dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse
How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?
Please say 12 years
Fun Prank:
Use Bluetooth to play 30 second blasts of Napalm Death on your neighbours stereo. They’ll think they have a poltergeist and move
Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.
Recent studies link bacon to cancer.
“Ya, don’t eat bacon, you’ll get so much cancer”, said one pink scientist.
Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.
– me as a therapist
No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.
6-year-old: I can add AND subtract by hundreds.
Me: That’s pretty impressive.
6: Let me know if you need my help.
Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.
There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity
If you look in the mirror & say “pumpkin spice latte” 3x a white suburban girl will appear & tell you everything she loves about the fall
i choose….tongue
Good Cop: We want to help you. Just tell us who was with you on the night of August the 15th.
Bae Cop: My parents aren’t home. Come over.
There’s a Gulf between peoples’ appreciation of cartoons. Dubai doesn’t like the Flintstones, but Abu Dhabi do.
A dating app where they just match you up with somebody with an identical credit score is yours
Turtles sniff tails to find mates but when I do it, it’s “disturbing” & I “need to leave yoga,” or “at least wait til I’m off the treadmill”
doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”
*bites your top lip*
Ish shish shexy?
Dogs: I could vomit on the vinyl floor but this carpet two inches to the right seems better
Roses are red
Daisies are white
I’m in a grumpy mood
My underwear is too tight
Christ it is annoying when my parents need help on their failing farm. I always get there and theres a hunk with a toolbox whos like “I’m helping your parents now, with my tools” and I’m like “get out of here!” and then we do end up falling into a marriage. every spring with this
Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.
40yo introduced himself at a gathering as a painter and watched an art bro wax poetic to him about creating & the need to live in the city to feed off the energy for art before he asked whether the 40yo did abstract or realism & the confused 40yo clarified he paints apartments
Who called them accountants and not sumbodies?
I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.
[shopping]
May I help you find something?
“Where are the giants?“
What?
“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“