Doctor: I got your test results back from the lab and I have some bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: by the time I got them back he had chewed them up pretty bad
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Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.
Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.
“No, Mister Bond, I expect you to… draw tourists.”
*evil laughter*
got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again
Yes, air conditioning, I’ll marry you. Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!
My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.
Get married and have kids so you can spend your Saturday going apple picking instead of doing LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE.
My husband decided to surprise us by coming home a day early from his business trip.
The real surprise was how quickly we made it look like we didn’t just eat, drink & binge-watch every show in his absence.
sometimes my cat will figure out i’m gearing up to leave the house and block the door just before i go to leave, yelling and rolling around, but she never does it when i’m trying to leave for work which tells me one thing: capitalism got her too
My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.
WIFE: I can’t believe you slept with my twin thinking it was me
ME: Cut me some slack – he was wearing your perfume
The human personality is made of five key elements
I want the confidence of my 3yo while taking a giant drink of straight lime juice after I’ve been yelling at her for 2 mins that she will not like it.
Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred
Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.
Delete your tweet.
My neighbor told me his son watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth tomorrow?
what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth, so help you God?
Me: Yes, unless she asks me if she looks fat.
the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling
If swimming is such good exercise, explain whales
me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁
Killed another house plant but this time it was personal.
I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus
My book group read “Ventriloquism for Dummies” this month. We met in the living room, but it sounded like we were in the kitchen.
My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.
When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.
Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?