I just realized I’m back working retail during the holiday season which means I will inevitably make many people angry when I tell them “Happy holidays!”
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boss: what are you doing this weekend?
me: more like who 😉
boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?
me: no one 🙁
“Daddy, tell me again about how you wasted time before Twitter existed?”
“Well son, we used to look at clouds & pretend they were animals.”
self-esteem’s so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings
Lord give me coffee to change the things I can…and vodka to accept the things I cannot.
Amen!
My 3-year-old said she wants her first car to be a garbage truck. She’ll forget about it, but I’m still getting her one when she turns 16.
[Wendy’s Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: Ok let’s role play. You’re working the drive through and I’m a customer ordering.
ME: Sir please get back in your car.
INTERVIEWER: {under breath} Brilliant.
I have nothing positive to report.
Except that roadside drug test.
My husband isn’t drinking while he trains for a marathon. There’s all this pressure on me to be supportive, so, reluctantly, I’m now drinking for both of us.
As my kid gets older he goes to bed later, which means he hangs out longer, which means *I* have to stay up later to get my alone time, which means by the time he’s 13, I’ll be going to bed at sunrise.
When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won’t eat you.
If that doesn’t work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!
[interrupts gf talking about her dream wedding]
lol a horse drawn carriage?
“what’s funny about that?”
a horse can’t hold a pencil karen
Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors
Grandma: what’s oversharing?
Me: It’s when you talk about your hemorrhoid surgery on FaceBook.
You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!
Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*
my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast
Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.
How can you call yourself a pervert?
I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.
I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me; mistakenly as it were because I have the nerves of a guinea pig and puke when I cry.
Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.
Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.
89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great what he really means is “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”
I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.
Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.
My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.
Swarming gnats, but instead of annoying you, they provide compliments. “You look pretty.” “Dinner was delicious.” “Way to handle that difficult coworker, Chris. We hate her.”
This might sound like an off the wall question. But what do you think of parkour?
They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list
Genie: you still have 2 wishes left. you sure you don’t want to use them?
Me: [eating cheesecake] nope I’m good
Genie: alright then [disappears]
Me: [finishes cheesecake] oh no
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist
When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.