If you aren’t happy single, you won’t be happy taken. Real happiness comes from The Cheesecake Factory, not relationships.
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kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again
97% of scientists believe climate change is man-made and causes rising sea levels of oceans. The other 3% believe Frank Ocean is an ocean.
“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”
A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.
Why do paintings of people centuries ago never show pimples? Ur telling me these people who drank shit water and took baths 2x a decade had clear skin?
my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter
haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table
Whenever I start to feel old, I just remind myself I’m still young enough to play a teenager on Beverly Hills 90210.
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
Gonna turn my life around!
[10 min later]
Oh well, I tried.
I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.
Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread
When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.
People complain a lot about Peeps, but when I really want to eat something slightly toxic and also glittery, they’re the first thing I reach for
I farted in the Apple Store on Black Friday and everyone got angry at me…
It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows.*I’ll show myself out*
If your friends won’t go into a dark forest with you, memorize the ancient ritual text and help you summon a demon so that there is a fourth person to play Monopoly with, can you really consider them friends?
GOOGLE: *please create password*
ME: *Giraffe_Neck*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *The_Revenant*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *CVS_receipt*
GOOGLE: *dude*
How long can you let the bidet run before it switches from business to pleasure?
Remember that it’s “i before e” …
Except when feigning a heist on a
weird, feisty, beige foreign neighbor.
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
I never pay for drinks I just insult women at bars & when they throw drinks in my face I open my mouth haha thanks for the free booze ladies
After all these years Jude Law has finally noticed me and responded to my love letters. Something about staying 500 feet away? I’m getting it framed
I’d like to thank the British for wearing red coats and making it easier to shoot them 238 years ago. We couldn’t have done this without you
Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.
The reason I like true crime stuff is you can watch it and be like, “damn, I really do have my shit together. I almost never murder my whole family”
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”
{Bear walks up to me}
ME: Plays dead
BEAR: Get up, I just want to talk. Who are you voting for in the election
ME: Ugh, a poller bear
Times I’ve served soup with my ladle: 0
Times I’ve been prevented from opening/closing a drawer by my ladle: 18,971