I work 24/7 – which is about 3.42 hours.
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You guys are all saying that it’s a parody account that tweeted that she was offended when a guy opened a door for her but the same thing happened with me. I too held open a door for a lady she yelled at me and told me to get out of the ladies bathroom.
If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.
Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids!
Wife: But we d..
*I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats
Meet Frank and Dolores
Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.
We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.
My wife handed me a clean towel and told me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
VIRUS PRO TIP: DO NOT use your hands to press elevator buttons, etc. The virus can be transmitted onto your fingers which in turn can get you sick. I’ve found using my tongue works better bc theres no way it can get onto your hands
Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal
I think I have resting watching sex scene with my parents face
Boss: Isn’t your new job kind of a [stifling laughter] sideways move?
Crab: [to HR person] see this is what I’m talking about
Hey, did you say that your dog likes to ‘exercise’ or ‘exorcise’? [dog is already throwing holy water around the house]
Jesus Christ is trending? What the heck did he do THIS time?
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically?
ME:
IN: Is this an ability you have always had?
ME:
IN: Please say something.
I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.
time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain
[experiment to see if infinite monkeys on infinite typewriters will produce the complete works of shakespeare]
scientist 1: well?
scientist 2: close a few times sir, but someone keeps adding question marks to everything
s1, over loudspeaker: curious george to the front please
“Dad! Mom wants to trade with me in Monopoly! I need you to help me negotiate a good deal!”
– My 11yo, about to find out the hard way that the only thing I can negotiate with my wife in Monopoly is my own quick demise
boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
dad: *holds up condoms* what are these
son: …
dad: *pulls out matches* you’re gonna smoke every last one
I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
I have also decided to not buy Twitter.
[on a first date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re really a squirrel…
Her: I had a great time, good night!
Me: *runs in front of her car
The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.
If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.
13-year-old: I have to stay up late. I have homework.
Me: What were you doing earlier?
13: Resting so I could stay up late.
4: can I have a snack?
Me: it’s almost time for dinner.
4: if it’s not dinner time, it’s snack time.
For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.
[answers phone]
Me: yeah?!
Boss: are you okay?
Me: just taking a quick lunch break
Boss: you haven’t showed up in 2 days!
If dogs take after their owners, I need to work on my posture.