Me: what’s your favorite number
Golfer: 4
Hypochondriac: 6
Guy From Memphis: 10
Cannibal: 18
Ballerina: 22
Bargain Hunter: 241
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[walks into kitchen]
Me: Put that back, it’s mine.
Daughter: Sorry.
Me: Your big brother once tried to steal my cake.
Daughter: I don’t have a big brother.
Me: Exactly.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: *eats a sandwich brought from home*
SUBWAY MANAGER: hey no outside artwork
Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
You never feel shorter than when you’re standing on a step stool with half your body in the washing machine and you’re using the tongs you used to make lamb loin chops to grab your socks from the bottom of the washer.
I still can’t believe Jesus was born on Christmas Day I mean what are the odds
*Selling Thanksgiving raffle tickets
Me: Hey, how about taking a chance on a turkey?
Her: No thanks, I don’t want to go out with you!
A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.
Me: I heard it’s 80 degrees already.
CW: My phone says 81.
Me: Ya know, someday I’m going to eat a hot dog right over your grave.
I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way
Pro tip: smell the fragrant hand soap on your fingers while you’re in the restaurant’s restroom, not on your way back to the table.
Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.
Wish I had a friend named Keith who was good at fighting just so I could call him a keithal weapon.
Rejected Disney Movie Titles:
1) Find My Fish Son
2) A Shit Ton Of Spotted Dogs
3) Peter Pot
4) Pretty Lady & Big Foot Face
5) It’s Cold
911 – 911 what’s your emergency
Me – I am Australian and I watch too much American TV
911 – ….
Me – I don’t know our emergency number
*on the phone*
Me: I’d like to order a 12″ cheese steak.
Him: Sure. That’ll be $13.39.
M: How long will it be?
H: Uhh, a foot?
M: …
What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
The Wizard of Oz is my favourite movie about serial murder for personal gain.
Server: Would you like to try our new cauliflower pizza crust?
Me: No, I-
Server: Cauliflower soda?
Me: I just wanted to-
Server: [Nudging forward a very pale man] Your new cauliflower husband
Tiger: *after killing several zoo animals* forget what you saw here…or you’re next
Gazelle: ok
Monkey: ok
Zebra: ok
Elephant: oh no
Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
Me: I changed your diapers, I cook our meals – I basically spend my days doing things to take care of you. Pretty sure I can pour fake tea correctly
My 4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: You’re spilling.
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.
Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…
[at Hooters]
Me: you shouldn’t be working here. you’re a human being
Waitress: look, it’s my choi-
Me: -seriously, where are the owl waiters
[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
That’s easy for you to say
I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken
I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…