I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.
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*mops up wine with cat*
*Licking my plate clean
Girlfriend)You still have to wash that
Me)This house is a prison
My dad loves to tell this story ab how when he was a kid his family passed Carlo gambino’s house on the way to church and his dad said solemnly “someday that guys gonna wake up with a bullet in his head”
[on a date]
*wonders if she’ll steal my fries while I use the restroom*
*shakes Magic 8 ball*
“YES”
*takes plate of fries with me*
A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
When I was younger, I’d sit in class and think “Ugh, when am I ever going to need to know this stuff in the REAL world??” But then I grew up and discovered that I actually do have to play hot cross buns on the recorder like almost every day.
My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.
Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.
LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.
*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*
I might carry a baby with one hand.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?
Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.
[interview]
BOSS: Any special skills?
ME: Skills?
BOSS: Like strengths
ME: Oh right. I’d say my vocabulary
BOSS: Hm…
ME: That means words
I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face
Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.
Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.
[undoes GFs bra first time]
“wow have you been practicing?”
don’t be ridiculous
[me and dog exchange glances]
I’m white, but not cage free range eggs in my quinoa-kale quiche for my gluten, lactose, and peanut free Sunday brunch white.
I’m in court with another one of those attorneys who licks their fingers before turning every single page in their file.
I do not regret the contempt fine I’m about to receive, but this must stop.
Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.
9: Mommy can I have a treat?
Me: It’s close to bedtime so no
9: A tiny piece?
Me: No
9: A molecule? An atom?!
Me: I’m glad you’re paying attention in Science but no. Not even a quark or neutrino
9: Is that a donut?
What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?
The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.
My computer: hey friend, I’ve only got 55 minutes left on my battery
My computer two minutes later: LMAO!! *dies*
me: hmm…that’s a real head-scratcher…I don’t know there are significant pros and cons to each choice…maybe I should make a spreadsheet and do a cost analysis…
netflix, impatiently: dude, just pick something already
When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.
The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.
I live in constant fear that someone will abduct my mother in law at 35 Ash Street, London, Flat 2, door is sticky buzz Carol to let you in.