*rocking back and forth, trying to gather enough momentum to get out of a chair* WHO ARE YOU CALLING FAT?
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Me: Hello, can you force an update on my computer that will affect most of my vital programs in a negative way?
Microsoft: Actually, we were just about to push an update to do that.
Me: Can you also offer no help to fix the issues?
Microsoft: Have we ever not let you down?
Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.
Dad: Want a donut?
Me: YES!
Dad: *punches my leg* Hurts don’t it lol.
Me: *tasers him* HERTZ DON’T IT LOL.
Me: WHAT?! HOW?! WHY?!
My cat, after getting into the back of my closet, discovering a fishing pole & spare spool of line & then unraveling & tangling most of the line ALL over my bedroom: You’re so dramatic.
Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*
Hot tip: Apparently it’s frowned upon to make the sound effect tssst when being blessed by a priest
i’ve been laughing at this for 5 mins
I’m a puzzle wrapped in an enigma hidden inside a set of Russian Nesting Dolls, so deep, so profound that – what? Yes, I’ll have fries.
I forgot to pack my perfume, but happened upon some air freshener. Judging by the compliments I’ve gotten, I’m wearing Air Wick from now on.
Dog: can i eat this?
Me: no i was just-
Dog: [swallowing] thanks
Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!
My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
Heroic fire saves man from having horrible house
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”
[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)
ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*
Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.
On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.
Me: I lost twelve followers today.
Wife: On Twitter?
Me: In the woods.
Wife: You’re the Cub Scout leader! It’s your responsibility to find those children!
Husband made it clear years ago he has no interest in assembling anything but I really wanted a hammock for the backyard.
Guys, I put it together myself! It was so easy. And it came with all these extra parts!
“911? Help, my house is burning down!”
“Sir, we’re sending the fire brigade right now.”
“I HAVE ENOUGH FIRE I DON’T NEED A BRIGADE OF IT.”
* hears opportunity knocking
* chooses cheese instead
Me: this movie sucks
Boss: for the LAST time, this is a ZOOM. MEETING!
I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.
don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??
My bf took a deep breath and said “I want you to know…” then admitted he’s been having mushrooms every day, but not to worry because he’s limiting himself to five. I was confused because I didn’t even know he was using them til I realized he meant MARINATED mushrooms. Folks…
the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times
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