DOCTOR: I’m afraid I have bad news
ME: can you tell me what it is
DOCTOR: no I’m still too scared
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New comic up. “Ransom”
[Me as a Realtor]
BUYERS: this is a great house, what’s the catch?
ME: Well, it is a bit.. [cant think of the word haunted] ghost encrusted
Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.
I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…
Me: Why don’t I have a boyfriend?
God: I sent you one, you dumped him for putting ketchup on his steak.
Me: Ah. That’s right. Gross.
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.
Playing video games with your partner is a fun and easy way to start a huge fight for no reason
earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on
Turns out my parenting style is more “Disney villain” and less “Disney princess.”
Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?
I was jogging at night once in jeans when I caught up to an old guy at the corner. He was so startled he handed me his wallet. I didn’t want to waste all his fear so I politely took it.
Girl, are you an umbrella? Because you’re never with me when I need you & I’ve forgotten you at a restaurant 4 or 5 times.
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction
Local Person: That Pizza Hut over there used to be a KFC and Taco Bell.
Me: I love hearing history like this.
Finally watched Pulp Fiction with my kid, but fast forwarded thru the parts she’s not ready for… best 27 seconds we’ve spent together recently.
Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?
can we all agree that Mini Cooper drivers need to put an extended flag on the back of their cars so the stalls where they’re parked stop looking empty?
[In meeting, puts cap on pen]
Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.
Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.
A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin
A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.
[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him
tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree
There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.
The time for being a smartass isn’t when someone is in a murderous rage. There’s a discreet unmarked grave out there that’ll attest to that.