Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.
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I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.
You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !
Them: you haven’t been to the gym in a while
Me: I had a cold
Them: it’s been 7 months
Me: I had a lot of colds
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
The bar sign said
“WiFi password since1938”
And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time
My toddler has just learned how to say her brother’s name. So now she keeps repeating his name over and over, which is driving him absolutely crazy. I have to admit that I’m kinda enjoying it though. Better him than me!
My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.
me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
It’s adorable when you give someone an informed opinion that they completely dismiss and then someone else basically says the exact same thing and now it’s a brilliant idea they’ve never heard before.
St Peter: welcome to the afterlife
me: damn… there’s more?
Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right
I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it
College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.
My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.
ME: [first day as an NFL head coach] What position do you play no. 26
HIM: I’m a running back.
ME: LOL, ok Mario, in my team we run forward.
I spent the last twenty minutes telling my wife about plot holes that I’ve found in the frozen film franchise. So I guess this is who I am now.
If I was rich I’d have two hedge mazes. One from which there can be no escape. And one for more lighthearted affairs and casual mazing.
I’m generally an honest person, but if you ask me when I last washed my hair, I will lie like a rug, a rug that hasn’t been shampooed in 6 days.
Who is that walking up my driveway?!
Anxiety in 3…2…1…
[knock, knock]
*sigh*
“WAIT A SECOND!” *mumbles* “I need to find pants.”
After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.
If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.
*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole
BOND: The name’s Bond. James Bond.
ME: That’s a weird way to say your name, dude.
BOND: I’m a spy.
ME: You are bad at all parts of this.
I’m an Easter egg in the streets and a deviled egg in the sheets.
This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.
Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I’m stalking her I can tell the cops she’s a hooker.
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say “I think we lost them.”
[1 AM]
BRAIN: Let’s play the insomnia game.
ME: Nope. *downs NyQuil*
BRAIN: How dare you…
ME: *drifts off*
BRAIN: Begin diarrhea subroutine!