Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.
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Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.
Going to put a sensor in the kitchen sink so whenever someone puts something in there a recording of my voice will shout DISHWASHER!
Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.
if i was a conductor of an orchestra, i would abuse my power by making them warm up to a stirring rendition of “ice, ice, baby.”
I finally learned to stop listening to the voices in my head when they told me to put pineapple on my pizza. Would have been a lot fewer burned buildings had they suggested that sooner.
Me: death by loneliness? Is that even a thing?
Fortune teller, shrugs: look honestly I had never heard of it until you walked in
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.
To the Audi hogging the road:
Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!
Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?
My sister’s credit card information was stolen, so being a good sister, I called to see how she was doing and tell her what I purchased at Bloomingdales.
me at a party:
*eats*
.
.
.
*attempts to calculate the socially acceptable amount of time before going back to graze on the spread*
.
.
.
*repeat for duration of party*
.
.
.
*make sure to stop by the food one last time before saying goodnight to all*
.
.
.
*go back once more*
When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.
MANAGER: You’re hired! The pay is $200 per hour, plus benefits. The first thing you need to do is make a phone call to–
ME: I quit
* Dentist is singing along to a Maroon 5 song as he’s drilling in my mouth.
Me: (holds up finger to pause)
Can you turn that up?Dentist: The music?
Me: No. The drill.
Dentist:
Getting my second jab today. They’re making me sign a form confirming I’ve been repeatedly told the vaccine won’t allow me to survive being fired from a trebuchet into the tree where the squirrels took my mars bar.
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
Wolverine’s mom: If you’re going out take your brother with you
Wolverine: But Mom he’s so weird
Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath
I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.
[Creation]
God:*creates single-cell life form* “Wahoo!”
*cell divides*
God:”What the-”
*cells divide again*
God:”Oh shi-“
A dating app for people who are way too into cookies, called Crumble
*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*
a restaurant that rubs your shoulders while you eat mashed potatoes
titanic
Can’t make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor’s chicken coop.
my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.
I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.
From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!
The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.