I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.
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The cashier probably looked at me funny for buying 4 gallons of ice cream because she didn’t realize I was planning ahead for two entire weeks.
I’ve always admired a man in a uniform who is soft, sweet and tender. I guess my perfect match is the Stay Puft Marshmellow man.
Just saw a tiktok of a family introducing their newborn to their cat and after it smelled the baby it went to another room and threw up LMFAO
6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆
I see you’ve blocked me on all social media sites & moved house without leaving a forwarding address
Baby, does this mean we’re on a break?
[being carried away by a colony of ants] haha nice let’s see where this goes
Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.
*boyfriend calls girlfriend*
Bf: “Hey Babe, I love you!”
Gf: “we’re breaking up”
Bf: “no we’re not, I can hear you just fine.”
Listening to the snow getting plowed outside my window and so jealous
(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?
Me: Enthusiasm.
Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”
[first date]
Me: why isn’t a boy ant called an uncle
Date: why isn’t a girl praying mantis called a praying womantis
*we do it right there*
I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig…. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.
😂😂😂😁😁🤣🤣
Therapist: Participate in a hobby your partner enjoys.
Me: Like sitting on paper bags?
Therapist: No, not your cat. A human partner.
Me: Oh.
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.
When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years
Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.
Would you rather get paid $1,000,000 right now or pay somebody $10 a day to wake you up by punching you in the face?
I’ll take Option B. It keeps you motivated to go out and EARN. That’s the hustler mentality
“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something
me: I’d wait a lifetime for you
also me: 5 seconds till I can skip the add ? that’s some bullshit right there
I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
HER: Promise you won’t overreact?
ME: Yes.
H: They said that you were a little dramatic.
M: Swirls cape and plays long organ chord. “Fools!”
So grateful for pillows. My head works hard, it deserves its own widdle bed.
Exposing kids to violent video games is appalling. They should be in church praying to a bloody statue of a man nailed to a cross in agony.
her: why is there a duck on your shoulder?
me: he’s my life coach
her: you wanna go to olive garden?
*duck whispers in my ear*
me: that’s a yes