You can tell A LOT about a Woman’s mood just by looking at her hands…
…for example…If she’s holding a gun? She’s probably pissed.
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I’m withholding sex from my wife right now but she won’t realize it for 6 to 8 weeks.
Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”
she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street
Autocorrect can suck a bag of docks
If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you
Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.
Nice empty fish tank
It’d be a shame if someone were to FILL IT WITH SNAKES!
*the terrarium is invented*
*breathing becomes rapid and pulse starts racing*
I…I’ve never felt…SO ALIVE!
*holds up 11th nugget from 10 piece box, for all to see*
“I need to print something from my phone.”
“There are a couple ways we can try to do that.”
“I’d like to pick the way that will take the most time, with the most opportunities for user error and the lowest probability of customer satisfaction.”
“That is the most popular option.”
Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?
I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.
If I wake up at 4:30, I’ll have 2 uninterrupted hours to exercise, clean and make a healthy breakfast.
*sets alarm for 6:30*
Jogging has never helped my memory.
Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?
The people on house hunting shows are always like “I am a bus driver, and my partner here collects dead bugs. Our limit is 6 million dollars”.
Get real…
Um, my eyes are up here.
-giraffes
My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.
Fried chicken is unhealthy, especially for the chicken.
Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.
I had to use my 12 year old son’s AXE bodywash this morning because we were out of soap and when I got to work my boss took one whiff and asked if I rode my skateboard.
Me: where did you get those blood soaked tea bags?
Dracula: I had to pull some strings
Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s
Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.
If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.
SCIENCE TEACHER: What’s the loudest noise in the world?
“Volcanic eruption”
“An explosion”
“An earthquake”ME: Trying to open snacks you don’t want to share
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…
[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.
i could never sleep with a man named dunstin. that’s a monkey’s name.
Hey baby, just call me Uranium because I’m:
-Solid
-Highly dense
-Pale in color
-Flexible
-I’ll probably poison you if you hang around me too long.—me flirting with a chemist
When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.