Bread as a loaf, bread as a bowl. Bread as a slice or bread as a roll. Bread is delicious, it is a fact. Whoopi’s best movie was Sister Act.
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If anyone breaks in, I take comfort in knowing they’ll never get past the 20 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
[eraser factory]
BOSS: what makes u think ur right for the job?
ME: *hands him blank piece of paper* I think my resumé speaks for itself
I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.
I swear my husband thinks 90% of what I do as a stay home mom is walk around the house & hide his stuff
*hides some stuff
It’s maybe 35%
[day 1]
hello, world
[day 2]
bit less wobbly today
[day 7]
making other deer friends. getting funny looks tho
[day 26]
turns out i’m a hippo
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I have bad news
ME: can you tell me what it is
DOCTOR: no I’m still too scared
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room.
Dentists are evil, they’re like reverse the tooth fairy because you’re broke after.
You know I’m all about that bass,
‘Bout that bass…
WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you’ll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.
[Throwing a ball for my dog]
Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though
Me: *explains math problem*
Tween: I don’t understand.
Me: *explains the exact same way except more aggravated*
Working from home has been a good way to find out which of my neighbors have loud lawnmowers and barking dogs. All of them. The answer is all of them.
Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.
*hears someone breaking in*
*grabs gun and walks down hallway*
*cord drags*
*realizes I grabbed Nintendo gun from Duck Hunt*
*gets shot*
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know. I’m just kidding with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name lol.
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
The walk of shame:
When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.
Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?
My kids just pounded on my office door yelling “FBI – open up!!!” when I was on a work call, so yeah, I’m totally looking forward to them going back to school in-person.
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
Venn
Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”
[Creating Humans]
God: Gonna add a small part in their elbows so if they hit it just right it hurts a lot.
Angels: Why?
God: Just like blowing up the Death Star.
Angels: Lololol.
God: I hope they call it a funny bone.
Why are Americans so obsessed with the British royal family? It’s like constantly checking your ex’s Instagram 245 years after the breakup.
Why was the picture sent to prison?
It was framed.
a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials
cyclists
Sorry, but responding to “sir, you are yelling” with “SO IS THE BABY” while screaming about a baby crying on an airplane is the funniest thing anyone has ever said.
Whenever customer service agents say that they’re recording the phone call, I’ve started saying, “I am too.”
Service is way better.
My elderly uncle was proudly showing off his new “Screechers”, and my dudes, this is what I will call Skechers from now on