Cop: Could I have your name?
Me: Well, you could, but it would be an incredible coincidence.
*Send Bail Money*
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UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.
Breakfast for Stoners:
13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?
Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”
Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.
*i look my lawyer dead in the face*
I said ask him.
*lawyer stands up*
Your honor my client would like to know where you got that robe.
[Haunted house]
Cardiologist: my heart’s racing
Anaesthetist: i feel nothing
Neurologist: {shaking}
Immunologist: it’s so dusty
Pulmonologist: {breathing heavy}
Orthodontist: {grinding teeth}
Optometrist: see that?
Proctologist: guys…{from top, first letter of each occupation}
All I’m saying is any office that buys thin toilet paper is not really saving money. All savings are lost when the hand soap runs out faster…
help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me
I went for a long walk yesterday and my pants are still tight today. This is not how exercise is supposed to work.
Dating: OMG, his fingers just brushed against mine and I instantly have butterflies in my stomach.
Married: I swear, if even your stupid finger crosses onto my side of the bed at any point tonight, I’m going to break it.
Shame on you if you’re still replying “damn” to selfies. Take a creative writing class.
As the cedars outside my window
swayed with the gentle autumn breeze,
I gazed upon your digital image, madam,
And my bowl of spaghetti fell to the floor
As, nearly, did I…
Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.
Sometimes nothing goes well. Other times you draw a mustache on a photo as a revenge, and the person on the photo sees it and to your surprise actually grows a mustache because he liked it
I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.
When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
noah’s wife: so, how’s your little project going?
noah: little project? {he sighs, grabs his plate & gets up from the table} i’m going to eat dinner in my room
Out of Office Auto-Reply:
I’m sorry but I’m overwhelmed and I don’t have my shit together right now so it’s going to be a while until I get back to you, and even when I do it may be a series of sighs and grunts in email form.
“This just in..”
My foot to my mouth.
Girl, same.
A fox: People aren’t so bad. I hear they named a news station after us.
[Watches 1 minute of Hannity]
We attack the humans at dawn.
me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass
waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no
Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?
I like to add winky faces to non sexual sentences.
“I put the rest of the water in the fridge ;)”
my roommate is freaked out.
Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”
Evil Scientist: I will turn you three into…A Human Centipede!
Hostage 1: No!
Hostage 2: Please! No!
Me: So…who gets to be the front?
ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
ME: really?
CAT: *dies*