If a huge bird swooped down and snatched my infant I’m not sure if I’d scream, “my god, my baby!” or “Honey, Honey, get the bird book!”
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If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.
OSTRICH: *buries head in sand*
ANTELOPE: You’re crazy!
OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I’m NOT going back to jail
Who cares if you have regrets on your death bed. You’re about to die. I have regret everyday and have like another 40 years of this garbage
SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs
One time in like 2014, Lauren Conrad tweeted “What’s my favourite position? CEO.” And I remember thinking that she ate, I was like yeah, that’s my girl
no one:
contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad
Cathy on FB is “feeling annoyed” and is asking why people even own cell phones if they’re not gonna answer.
Can I tell her? Pleeease.
*brushes teeth for seventeen hours straight before dentist appointment*
“Jessica, there is an entire Oreo behind your second molar.”
Interview
Boss: Greatest weakness
Me: Sometimes I answer questions with 90s rap lyrics
B: Is that here on your resume
M: Whoomp, there it is
How to get a job on Game of Thrones:
Q: Can you act?
A: Sorta
Q: Will you get naked?
A: Yes
HIRED!
[wipes brow]
“Finally finished YouTube.”
exec: i have a new band that’s going to tear up the charts
ceo: what’s the name
exec: duran duran duran
ceo: that’s way too many durans
exec: we can cut it down to just duran, sir
ceo: hmm now i’m worried that’s not enough durans
exec: i have an excellent idea then, sir
*checks real estate listings on other planets*
[donating blood]
“You’re looking a little faint. Can I get you a drink?”
“No thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns.”
My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us
Going on a trip to see a regular canyon. I feel like the Grand Canyon is trying too hard.
Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.
I should have stayed in kindergarten.
Him: I’d like to hear you scream.
Me: *screams like a banshee*
2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.
2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.
My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said, “No, wait! I can change.”
had to tell my son that santa isn’t real in the middle of the night because he was hysterical about a strange man coming into the house, but made him *promise* not to tell his younger sister that he doesn’t exist. so instead he told her that santa’s dead
When u drop an ice cube on the floor u have only 2 options:
1. kick it under the fridge
2. pick it up & throw it at the sink missing wildly
Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?
One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.
i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips
Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.
A fun thing to do on a first date is wear a wedding dress
God: You found the Holy Grail!
Me: cool, what does it do?
God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.
Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.
God: you don’t want eternal li-
Me: I said pass.
It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.