My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.
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When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.
If you carry a clipboard, put a pen behind your ear, wear a stopwatch around your neck, and, depending on where you are, wear either a lab coat or a reflective safety vest you can pretty much walk right in anywhere you like.
I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.
That’s fair
4 y/o: What’s your job?
Me: I stay at home, take care of you, clean, cook the food…
4: That sounds boring. Do you want me to fire you?
My relationship with tea has always been strained.
I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.
If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.
Welcome to your 40s. You ask your spouse for the name of the next street because you can’t read the sign yet, but they can’t read it either. For the next several minutes you’re engaged in a heated competition to see whose eyesight is worse.
I’m as full as a tick on a tampon
I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
me: [thinking] I don’t want kids
my mom: [2000 miles away gets a mental notification and texts me] how could you do this to me?
Coworker: I didn’t know you dip.
Me: *Puting a pinch of shredded cheese in my lip like chewing tabacco* Ugh, no. What a disgusting habit.
I wonder if I’ve seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane
Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere
Between my education and helping four children with their homework, I’ve studied approximately 27 years of Algebra.
My ex : “Explain yourself”
Me : “Yourself” is used reflexively as the direct or indirect object of a verb or as the object of a preposition
What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.
Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
Houston, we have a problem
Houston: new phone who dis
*gives you dictionary for your birthday*
wow.. i don’t know what to say
“that’s why i bought it for you”
Spring of Deception
[planning a heist]
Guy: it’s gonna be an inside job
Me, hates going outside: nice
(On a date at Whole Foods) “Isn’t this place great?”
Cashier: “Sir, please stop standing on the dates.”
Wearing a rollerblade on one foot and an ice skate on the other so you are prepared for any type of terrain.
imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.
Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”
Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*