All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt
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I’ve heard parents say they don’t enjoy playing with their kids but I play all kinds of fun games with mine like..
-who gets to microwave mommy’s coffee?
-whoever finds the remote first can watch a show after I do
-whoever fills mommy’s water gets to be my favorite for the day
You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.
The future is now.
when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s
I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.
Don’t tell me I’m not charitable. This weekend I gave away a lawn mower, a grill, and a full set of patio furniture.
My neighbor is PISSED.
anyone: here let me pay you for that thing you did for me
me: NO ABSOLUTELY NOT I FORBID IT. HONESTLY IT WAS MY PLEASURE. SO HAPPY TO HELP
also me: why don’t I ever have any money :,(((
I love when people ask if pets are adopted, like no, I was in labour for 28 hours and it was an all natural birth, thanks for asking Linda
The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.
Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.
Tired: Turner & Hooch
Wired:
WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]
5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”
A harried Japanese guy is ushering me to the starting blocks of the 400 meter sprint. Please help i dont want this. I am not fast
My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?
Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy
Elon Musk is now worth $208 billion.
You want to know how he did it? He skipped 34.67 billion lattes. It’s that easy.
I don’t understand why the pediatrician runs hearing tests, all you have to do is open a tub of ice cream 2 floors away in the middle of the night and you can tell if your kid can hear
*trying to sound cool to my son at dinner* bruh these vegetables be good AF
People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing
How do you restore your body back to ‘factory settings’?
Is it kale? it’s kale, isn’t it? please don’t say kale.
Me, after playing Hot Cross Buns on the recorder: Honestly I didn’t write that, it was a cover. I’m working on some originals though.
Bull: [angrily snorts]
Bulldog: [angrily barks]
French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]
Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.
The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.
Interviewer: We noticed a gap in your employment.
Me: Yes, that’s why I’m here. I need a job.
Interviewer: I’m sorry. Please come back when you already have a job.
How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?
I just watched a video about a 9-year-old kid who recently graduated high school and wants to become an astrophysicist. I had to Google “How do you spell astrophysicist?”
People keep asking if they can help me by watching my newborn. She doesn’t make me watch cocomelon, leave toys all over the floor, or scream that her brother is looking at the her. Take the older two.
time for some seasonal decor