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My dog: PLAY WITH ME!
Me: *grabs toy*
My dog: not that one….. nope…..not that one either…hate that one…. never that one….what was the first one again?….still no….
Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
[making money] Ugh this is boring and awful. But at least spending it will be nice!
[spending money] Ah no this feels bad also
Shit, I just wasted a good corn dog, by eating It with no guys around.
GUY: I wish girls liked comics.
GIRL: I love comics.
GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?
I was in a district team building meeting today and everyone had to say something they loved. They chose me first and I said vintage Pyrex and the leader said “not your husband or kids?” and this is a level of awkward I’d not experienced yet in life
I told my husband no less than thrice not to get red delicious apples because they are not, in fact, delicious, so you all know what he came home with
[friend is showing me around his city]
HIM: and that right there is the children’s hospital
ME: *struggles with this for a minute* how the hell are children running a hospital
i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him
So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley
My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.
Houston, we have a problem
Houston: new phone who dis
Me: I can’t wait to say goodbye to 2021!
2022: *Somehow already on fire*
It was nice of Microsoft to put their name on Excel after satan created it.
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.
Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*
I can’t be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.
New Zealand prime minister Jacinda Ardern confirms Easter Bunny is classed as an “essential worker” but it might be “difficult for the bunny to get everywhere” in current circumstances.
Tooth fairy also confirmed as an essential worker.
The pitter patter of little feet is one of the most joyful sounds in the world…
…unless it’s 3am…
…and it’s coming from your roof.
uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…
Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis
A duv-egg? In this economy?
A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.
If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.
Me: *petting my cat*
My cat: yes, this is great. Ok stop. I said stop. YOU HAVE VIOLATED THE SACRED TREATY THAT HAS EXISTED BETWEEN MAN AND FELINE FOR A THOUSAND GENERATIONS AND NOW YOUR HAND WILL BE DESTROYED BY MY PAW KNIVES.
By age 35 you should have a drawer in your house filled with random items. That way, when you can’t find something, you’ll just check the junk drawer. And boom, just like that, you won’t find it there either.
I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels