Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors
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A childless co-worker just told me that he hasn’t been sick in 5 years
Meanwhile, I’m a dad of 3 living in a bubbling cauldron of plague-infested boogers, pee, and sick-vapor.
Sooooo……I don’t want to kill the guy
But should I sneeze on him just for fun?
I am a vibrant, youthful woman in her SEXUAL PRIME!!!!
Now come rub my wrists till my carpal tunnel stops hurting
Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.
in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle
Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?
Carl: Cold out night.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: NASA found LSD improved spiders’ ability to make webs.
Me: Fair enough.
monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move
Just installed the iOS 9 update and I’ve already noticed a significant increase in my phone’s battery life! This is aweso
“There’s plenty of fish in the sea” is just something people say because you’re going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.
losing my mind at my mom’s reply to my insta story
I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25
” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information
Been thinking about getting dressed since I got out of the shower 3 hours ago. It’s quite obviously not going to happen but like everyone always says, it’s the thought that counts…
A good way to make sure people leave you alone at work? Let them catch you laughing at the urinal
ME: No, no, no! I’m not saying they necessarily DID exist at the same time! What I’m saying is, IF they did, then Captain Hook and Scar from Lion King WOULD’VE been best friends!
MY CAT: *meow*
ME: Delusional how?
If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail
Wife: ugh I feel fat
Me: please take your hands off me
a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected
toddler: How do you spell “Elmo”?
me: “E”
toddler: “E” like “elephant”
me: Very good! “L”
toddler: “L” like “elephant”
me:
toddler:
me: “M”
toddler: “M” like “elephant”
me: Shit
toddler: “Shit” like “elephant”
Here, let me loosen those morals for you.
I think this should do it.
Park Ranger: Careful, someone saw a coyote out here earlier
Me: Ok, thanks
-20 minutes later-
*drives into a rock painted like a tunnel
*at reading of my will*
Executor: *opens envelope*
‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’
if I were Juliet, I would NOT be pleased to find a man standing under my balcony at midnight. sir I am in my jim-jams
pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end
Happy mothers day to all the moms out there.
*stranded on island*
*puts message in bottle and throws it into sea*
*years later gets message back*
what’s updog?
*fist pump*
Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.
This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood
[googling]
me: [how to get wife to stop cheating]
google: it won’t stop jim
me: [please google please stop porking my wife]
google: i can give her things that you can’t
me: [we have children]
google: you sure they’re yours jim?
me: [looks down at my son, algorithm] oh god