prisoner: [wakes up half drunk] where am i
sheriff: bad news pal you’re in jail
prisoner: i can see that but where
sheriff: mississippi
prisoner: ok now that is bad news
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Benoit Blanc: So this baloney of yours, does it have a first name? Could you be so kind as to spell it?
My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.
“u should stop drinking” u should stop talking
My husband kept me up last night playing Call of Duty on his phone, so this morning I changed his ringtone to someone farting, and then called him repeatedly when he went to the gym.
I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.
75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.
I’m trying to become a vegetarian so from now I’m only eating seafood.
Like lobster, prawns and drowned cows.
So hopping on a bandwagon is bad but falling off the wagon is also bad. Which is it society? Where is the acceptable orientation relative to a wagon?
When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.
Dance like you didn’t file your tax return.
Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.
where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.
Note to self:
When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”
[proposing to my Karate gf]
Me: So, will you marry me?
Her: I’m not sure….
Me: Dojo breakin’ my heart, LOL
Her: Now I’m sure it’s a no.
[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son
Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime; teach a man to catfish and he can trick some perv in Omaha into sending him rent money.
Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches
I left Facebook because of the arguments about politics. That and seeing relatives I can’t stand. It was like having a family Christmas dinner every day.
Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.
Peter: *harpoons a guy*
Jesus: Too literal, bro.
To save time, I buy my panties pre-bunched.
3rd eye: youre on drugs
4th eye: youre a nerd
5th-7th eyes: ???
8th eye: you are now a spider
9th eye: spider on drugs
16th eye: nerd spider
Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying
this girl I went to college with got super hot and married a rich guy and lives overseas and doesn’t work and does triathlons for fun BUT her fitness insta only has 200 followers and I have 8,000 on Twitter just by being lazy and depressed so, in your face Mandy who’s winning now
I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade…
I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters
Secure web server:
> Email/password please.
Insecure web server:
> I just don’t know if I’m good enough…am I?
Troll: Horrible thing.
Me: Horrible thing back.
Troll: I was just giving my honest opinion.
Me: Me too.
Troll: But…
HR: We’ve noticed a substantial amount of office supplies missing recently.
Me *wearing a 3-piece suit made of Post-It notes*: That’s odd
Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.
It was an unexpected LAN slide.