[loudly in front of a bunch of ducks] “OH NO I SEEM TO HAVE BROUGHT TOO MUCH BREAD WITH ME WHATEVER SHALL I DO?” *ducks try to play it cool*
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Mon: No gatherings > 500 people.
Tues: No gatherings > 50 people.
Wed: No gatherings > 10 people.
Thur: Stay 6 feet away from people.
Fri: Stay homeTomorrow: ok, the floor is lava
I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.
Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.
and this one
TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.
Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.
I wonder if those folks that wrote “Never change!” in my yearbook regret their choice of words.
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.
It’s Easter, I plan to count how many eggs each kid finds.
When they ask where stuff is I’ll remind them how good they are at finding things.
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
hoping nobody noticed you peed in the pool like
I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.
If you’re a home repair guy a good business strategy is to follow guys home from Lowe’s after they buy a power washer and drop your business card in their mailbox.
Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?
If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?
Asking for a friend.
Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
Sincerely,
The rest of the human race
[walks into interview wearing light up Sketchers]
WALMART INTERVIEWER: whoa I didn’t know corporate was coming
Me, reading some of your tweets
the short answer to this question
I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.
I’m going to be productive today
I’m going to be duct tiv
duct tav
duct tape
I’m going to duct tape the cat to the dog today
the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’
For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.
My niece told me Titanic wasn’t its real name and the whole sinking was faked and there was another even bigger ship that sailed to America in secret that was the real Titanic so I asked her who the hell taught her how to sign up for a Facebook account
If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.
[Blind date]
Girl: I’ve always had a bit of a thing for bad boys
Dog: [starts putting on his coat] I don’t think this is gonna work out
So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”
Friend: I’m just not sure if she’s into me.
Me: Try faking your death. If she brings a date to your funeral, I’d say that’s a hard no.