*running from cops*
Me: hey wait hold up if we’re gonna do this i really should be wearing my fitbit
Cop: yeah me too good idea
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[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: *trying to impress* I love those guys, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
My super innocent daughter talked me into playing Luigi’s Mansion and the goal is to vacuum up ghosts. So I’m giving it my all and she yells at me “yes dad suck that guy!” I’m dead, y’all
This recipe’s great because you probably have all the ingredients on hand! OK let’s start: grind your caribou horn down til you have half a teaspoon of powder…
How fast “Little pig, little pig, let me in”
turns in to “Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin”Ugh!
*Keeps plucking*
teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot
I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.
called my horse mayo cause mayo neighs
What should we call our new store?
“Will we sell pottery?”
No.
“Is it in a barn?”
No.
“Let’s go with Pottery Barn.”
Hell, I love it Carl.
unpopular opinion: The best thing young people can do early in their careers is to delete their dating apps so they can meet someone the old fashioned way (going down on catwoman)
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
Fall is here! I can finally start burning my pumpkin cinnamon cupcake cranberry apple pie walk in the snow vanilla snickerdoodle flannel scented candle without feeling like a psychopath
RIGHT?
when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy
I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.
Here, there, and everywhere.
COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.
I always carry a pocket knife, because I never know when I’ll need to slice open a pocket.
Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK
Sneaking into my neighbour’s home just to raid the kitchen and then accidently setting the house on fire is how I will end up in prison.
Me: *just trying to pick up my groceries in peace*
7: can I have a plastic ax? I promise I won’t hit you with it.
The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.
A trailer of The Exorcist comes on.
Non parents:
Aargh I can’t look.Parents with kids who don’t sleep:
Ah a film about bedtime
Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name
But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?
My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.
The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle
I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”
Waiter: Here is your salmon.
Me: I didn’t order this
Waiter: it’s from the gentleman at the bar
*I look over at the bar and a grizzly bear winks and lifts his glass*
Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.
We have nothing to fear but fear itself, and spiders, and bears, and scientists, and scientists creating spider bears, and science bears