DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?
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Masks have freed me to do a whole lot of weird things with my mouth in public that I never even knew I wanted to do.
Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw
I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.
[pouring another round of shots for my dolls]
What do you mean isolated and unstable?
[Inspecting car]
*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”
I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.
*ninja group therapy
Therapist: Nobody showed up *again*?!
“Why do birds suddenly appear?”
To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.
[wakes up & turns to wife]
“I had a nightmare. You died.”
“Aw. It was just a-”
“Let me finish. You died & I had to make my breakfast.”
I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”
OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?
ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.
the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.
My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
*takes out trash, finds trash can lid frozen shut*
*drops bag on ground because if any raccoon is desperate enough to be out in this cold he deserves all the trash he can get*
Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar
When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?
I’m writing my PhD thesis in theoretical physics and every time I have to decide between using > and < I think to myself “the crocodile wants to eat the bigger number”
You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.
Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school
My 3yo said ‘mummy’ 6,358 times today and I can’t find the page in the parenting book that tells you what to do when they malfunction
Personality test: do you tend to keep to yourself
Me: Yes
Personality test: you are an introvert
Me: Holy shit
Legend has it there are 13 ways to have sex. So far, all I’ve found is 1 and it wasn’t even that great since all we used was my imagination.
There was an unattended whistle just lying in the middle of the living room floor so anyway I buried it out in the woods and now we can all move on with our lives
If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.
drinking water in front of my plants so they remember who the breadwinner is
Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings
When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”