Assassins are just murderers who found a way to make money off their favorite hobby.
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Ghostbusters commercial: who you gonna call?
Ghost haunting me: [looks at me nervously]
Me: lmao like you’re scarier than a phone call
When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.
All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sexfibonacci: absolutely not
What do you mean you don’t like Mountain Dew?! Do you even think about the Appalachian children, setting out before sunrise each morning, climbing high to collect the finest dew from the finest mountains? No, you only think about yourselves.
Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.
911: What’s your emergency?
ME: SOMEONE STOLE MY COMMA.
911: When did you see it last?
ME: JUST BEFORE I SENT THE TWEET.
911: Where was it?
ME: IN FRONT OF THE “AND.”
911: Sir, that’s an Oxford comma.
ME: SO?!?
911: Well, they’re not really necessary.
ME: GO GET YOUR SUPERVISOR.
NOTICE: Drive thru weddings at the First State Bank from 6-10pm. Put $50 in the money drawer and out comes a marriage license and two rolls of Smarties. God bless.
accessories can really boost a woman’s self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times
When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime
They keep saying “Our system does funny things sometimes” and I told them “You understand you’re the credit card company talking to a customer, right, you probably shouldn’t tell me stuff like that.”
I will die twice in my life – once when my heart stops, and once the first time I casually reference the pandemic to someone who looks like an adult and they say “oh, that happened before I was born”
I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…
Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.
You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.
-Disney
[texting gf]
February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”
[blood donor clinic]
dracula: can i order a pint please?
It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity
For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!
With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.
I told my American cousin this is what police cars in Scotland sound like
I was pregnant in High School BEFORE it became popular….
[medieval doctor] bad vibes? got a worm for that
I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.
I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂
I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.
Men’s jeans: We have 1000 sizes. What is your waist? What is your height? Where are your hips?
Women’s jeans: We have two sizes, Chickpea and Sycamore