I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.
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Children really brighten up a home.
They never turn the lights off…
Apparently when your spouse asks you “what would you like your Secret Santa to get you?”, “laid” isn’t an appropriate answer.
My neighbours claim to be huge Disney fans but called the cops when I mowed the lawn Winnie the Pooh style
Parenting little kids is mostly saying “please eat” or “do NOT put that in your mouth”
The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.
Home is where your toilet is.
Commissioner: we’ll need to stay in touch
Batman: ok
Commissioner: this stealth communication device will-
Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
Astrophysicists still struggling to explain the Big Bang Theory: “It’s a corny show! We just don’t get it!” said one astrophysicist.
[Job interview]
“Under “skills” you have odd compliments.”
“You look like you’d have soft bones.
“Thank you?”
Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.
Welcome to your forties.
You brag about how early you went to bed and you’re jealous if someone beats you.
Wife: “I’d do anything for a cupcake.”
Me: “Anything?”
*drives to store*
*brings home cupcakes*
*discovers “anything” includes lying*
It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
Parkour was invented in 1973 when a guy tripped in front of a hot girl and tried to play it off
*me in first month of med school working with a cardiologist*
doc: ok let’s go see this patient, remember they are recovering from the cabbage last week
me: the what
doc: the cabbage
me: i mean ya i guess cabbage can make me gassy too but a week seems a bit excessive??
doc:
i then learned that the doctor was referring not to a leafy green vegetable but rather a coronary artery bypass graft, or CABG (pronounced “cabbage)
the doc howled with laughter lmaooo
Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.
Gunman: Put ur hands in the air. Now wave them like you just don’t care. YOU STILL CARE [shoves gun in guys mouth] SHOW SOME UTTER DISREGARD
*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*
*calls to renew prescription*
Christian Bale named his son Burrito Bale when he could have named him Taco Bale. I want that noted the next time the conversation comes up about who’s the best Batman.
Me: How long should I microwave this for?
Popcorn instructions: How should we know?
Sydney actually has a lot of cool bars it’s just that to find them you have to walk into random shops and lean on shit like a Scooby Doo character until you find the secret passage.
I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.
The moment I said “iligalbility” I knew it was time to put the glass of wine down.
That and the fact that the bottle was empty.
*Looks up from phone.
“When did you get home?”Husband: “I’ve been talking to you for the last 15 minutes.”
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day
Husband: Don’t tell me they forgot my fries again! How does that keep happening?
Me (swallowing quickly ): Weird, right?