Her: remember Jimmy Neutron?
Me: yeah, but I haven’t seen it in years
Her: what was the super hero the nerdy kid loved?
Me: ultra lord, and his name was Sheen
Her: yes, thank you. When’s my birthday?
Me:
Her: when’s my birthday Kyle
Me:
Me: happy b-
Her: it was yesterday
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[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: yes why
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Doctor, reading chart: “Says here you’re improving!”
Doctor: “…Oops.”
*slowly turns chart rightside up*
Hey everybody, I just finished the 30 day yoga challenge and it was easier than I expected. In fact, I bet I could go another 30 days without doing yoga.
$4 #usedbooks
The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.
2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]
Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
no matter how many times I drown my laundry, it keeps coming back.
I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.
When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”
Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.
I’m taking myself to the movies this afternoon. I’ll probably hold my own hand and flirt with myself too.
“No please, let me buy the m&m’s. You’re so thin.”
Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’
me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]
my date: why my jacket
You’re like a gym membership.
You seem like a good idea but I’ll lose interest in a month.
I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.
asked my 5-year-old what she wanted for dinner and she said “not a burned quesadilla” bc in the summer of 2019 I overcooked one side of her quesadilla
Raspberry buy guitar
Raspberry take lessons
Raspberry answer ad
Raspberry show up at drummer’s house
Raspberry plug in
Raspberry Jam
me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no
google: please stop
me: more frogs with teeth
Me: I wish I was super hot.
Menopause: Say no more, fam.
painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?
me: absolutely not
“Nom nom nom”
– annoying people that apparently don’t understand how to chew food
I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.
If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.
I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.
me: hey siri
siri: (long, deep sigh) what
I took my toddler on a 2 mile hike so confident it would tire him out, we finally made it back to our car and he asked if we could go one more time.